I thought I had been going through a sort of death and rebirth over the past few years.  Going back through this blog its  apparent the struggle of birth with all its discomfort, and like a baby, I just don’t want to look back upon it anymore.  I have some ideas for the future. Ive thought a lot about just writing snippets on gratitude, or short notes on moving forward, something positive or rewarding. Just doesn’t feel right in this venue. Too many memories on this blog of how I got here.

So…

I’m mulling over the idea of a new blog to commemorate not just having been reborn, but more importantly that I’m living my new life and about to  take off and soar.

I have a new dog, a standard chocolate poodle named Persia.  She is a delightful upbeat addition to my life.  I’m already learning so much from her.  She’s the best company ever!

I’m very close to owning my canoe, only a few more payments, and Persia and I will be out on the water this summer.  Finally!  Somewhere back in this blog I discuss what being out on water would mean to me.  Well I’m almost there(!), and I have the greatest companion ever  in Persia to share it with.

A beautiful Spanish mustang mare is coming to live with me in a few months, Her name is MP Cinnamon Spice.

She is a bay daughter of Ghost Warrior,  and out of Sequoya’s Creek Shawnee.  I wont be owning Cinnamon, at least not up front. I will be leasing her for two years with a goal of training her and getting a foal from her.  With the decision to lease Cinnamon, my life feels alive and full again.

Some crucial realizations have come to me the past few months.  For one, I am unable to walk away from my horse passion. Its just what makes me tick.  My desires have not changed.  Ive tried to open my heart, mind and soul to other possibilities, but they wain and pale to the machine that drives my love of horses.  Among those realizations I’ve been having are, I want a place with pasture, an age old dream, and  that I love genetics.  I love at least the dream of breeding horses. I’m going to breed I think. Maybe not on any real kind of scale, but I have ideas and direction again. Also my eyes have been opened to coverups, lies and unspoken suspicions.  I wont be fooled so easily again.  Mistakes made were made at a price I refuse to pay again. I will learn from them and turn them into positive guidelines for a successful future.

Its scary to try this again.  But I’m up for it!

So I’ll leave The Pony Expression for now as it is. Wow, that conjured up some emotion.

See ya around.  Hopefully you come along on my next journey and share in the exhilaration of it with me. You’ll have to come along if you want to know what the rest of the story is…. 

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I feel so lonely sometimes.

My freedom and independence sets up a scenario of spending much of my time alone  At times I make bad decisions based on my sense of loneliness.   Sometimes I just cry and fall asleep in agony.

I guess that’s why I am so loud in life…  because I need to touch people and be touched by them.  Good or bad.

I live alone and so it can become very silent in my life.  Silence can be painful sometimes.  Other times is blissful.  If you are a prisoner in a jail or institution designed to punish you know what sensory deprivation is and how cruel and  devastating it is to ones soul.  Living alone can be similar.

It is silent, hollow, and sometimes painful.

Most of the time its elating and wonderful to have such independence and freedom. To spend life in charge of ones time and outside input.   Bliss and Burn is much how I live my independent life.  Much like “Bliss“, the entertainer below depicts.

Someday I hope to share  my fiery lifestyle with a friend who can appreciate its nuances. In the meantime  I guess I’m destined to have those moments of silence that quake my soul.  It’s the price I pay for freedom.

Freedom escaping BLM roundup trap.  Not without a price as he breaks through wire designed to cut flesh, having fought his way over 6 foot metal panels designed to stop a raging bull.

Moments later… Freedom  having paid the price, experiencing the reward of…

…freedom…

Sometimes silence, and loneliness and paying the price is worth it.

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The other day at a Hafla  with the Caldera Belly Dancers sisterhood we read a goddess card for each sister.  Mine turned out to be Bast the Egyptian Goddess of Independence and Pleasure.  The main message was to remain true to my Independence.

Translated into cat behavior for us to more easily see Basts power…

From Shamanism: Cat, Power Animal, Symbol of Wholeness, Independence, Curiosity, Many Lives, Cleverness, Love, Mystery, Magic

By Ina Woolcott

In Egypt cats were treated like royalty and were always given special privileges. The Egyptian Goddess Bastet takes the form of a cat. Due to their x-ray vision, acute hearing and high intelligence they were used throughout history as guardians and protectors. In ancient Egypt, cats guarded the temple gates and were used to fend off evil. In Scandinavia the cat was used to represent fertility. The cat is associated with the Norse Goddess of Fertility Freya, and the Hindu Goddess of Childbirth, Shasthi. It is also a symbol of childbirth in India. Witches, in days long gone, were believed to have the ability to shape shift into cats. It was also believed that cats were their familiars.

Cats are extremely independent and combine a high degree of sensuality with a deeply psychic and spiritual nature. It is impossible to own a cat.

They may allow you to take care of them and give them love, but only on their terms. Cats come and go as and when they wish to.

Cat’s medicine includes independence, unpredictability, healing, curiosity, many lives, magic, mystery, cleverness, the ability to fight when cornered, seeing the unseen.

Allows us to dream its dreams and protection. Love is represented by the cat.

Cats have more rods in the retinas of their eyes which enable them to see very well in the dark. Darkness is often associated with mankind’s fears. Since the cat is at home in the dark, it is a highly valuable ally into the world of the supernatural and the unknown. If cat is your power animal, you may have found an excellent assistant in moving through your fears.

If cat appears in your life the blending of magic and mystery is close by. Like the cat, you too are independent and a free thinker. At night you probably feel energized. You will stay with a person or situation until you are bored – and then you’re off again looking for something more interesting. Cat encourages agility in both body and mind. You will be presented with new ideas and places. The cat gives you clearer perception. You have good organizational skills. The cat teaches us that the physical and spiritual worlds are not separate, but one, and is a good assistant for meditation. A resourceful, strong and fearless spirit guide lending you courage and confidence. Examine the colors, character and behavior of the cat that has entered your life. Everything about it will be mirrored in your own life.

The energy field of a cat rotates is a counter-clockwise direction, which is the opposite of a human energy field. Thus, cats have the ability to absorb and neutralize energy that affects humans in a negative way. This is part of the cats healing medicine. If something is affecting you in a negative way, place a cat on your lap or find a cat to pet. Your energy field will be realigned immediately and inner balance will be restored.

Cat is a trustworthy teacher, guiding you into the world of self discovery and transformation.

Below are some descriptions of Bast and what she desires of us.

From Spiritual Egypt: The Goddess Bast had two facets, she was fierce, but like a mother she was nurturing, she was an ancient Egyptian Goddess a beautiful woman but portrayed with the head of a cat. Bast is subconsciously the sensuous symbol of our longing, our holy desire. Her cat feline nature entices and beckons us to give expression to our desire nature and to go in search of our holy longing. She invites us to go deeper into our own body so that the kundalini flame might be awakened, for it is only when the fire of life is strong that change can happen. When Bast comes to us, she brings with her the invitation to move through the portals of death and rebirth, so that we might open to the next incarnation of our life here on Earth.

Next Bast calls us to come play…  don’t live life too seriously. WOW how much like me is that?!

From Goddess Realm: Goddess of playfulness, Bast beckons you to come play with her!

Bast’s arrival is an indication that your life has become too serious and focused. It is time to create a playful diversion to recapture the era of your youth. Bast tells you to seek out a playful amusement, for no profit or gain, simply recreational fun.

Has play become a low priority of life for you? Do you remember how to play like the child? Do you experience joy on a regular basis? Can you laugh heartily or break into a fit of giggles? Are you fearful of what others might think if you gave up your seriousness?

There is more to life than work and being serious. The Goddess reminds us that playfulness releases us from our static and rigid existence. Play opens up our hearts to joy and simplicity, the very essence of our being.

Think now, how can you recapture the fun and laughter of your childhood? Recreate play now for personal empowerment.

Now a little detail about Bast.

From Goddess Gift.com: Bast, Goddess of Protection and Pleasure

Bast Egyptian Goddess of sensual pleasure, protector of the household, bringer of health, and the guardian saint of firefighters — she was the original mistress of multi-tasking!

Also called Bastet or Basthet, the goddess Bast is widely known today as the “Cat Goddess”. Legend has it that, by day, Bast would ride through the sky with her father, the sun god Ra, his boat pulling the sun through the sky.

Ever watchful, she protected Ra from his enemies. Thus she became known as the Lady of the East, the Goddess of the Rising Sun, and  The Sacred and All-Seeing Eye.

But by night, she was a different creature entirely! Bast transformed herself into a cat (renown for its superb night vision) to guard her father from Apep (also known as Apophis), a serpent who was her father’s greatest enemy.

Ra’s priests burned wax models of the snake and wrote his name with green ink, trying to put a “hex” on him — but to no avail. Finally, with her cat eyes shining in the dark, she managed to kill the evil serpent.

Credited with killing the vile Apep, the goddess Bast ensured the warmth of the sun would continue to bless the delta of the Nile with fertile soil and abundant crops and was honored as a goddess of fertility.

Because of her all-seeing sacred eye (called the utchat) that magically saw through the dark, Bast is one of the few sun goddesses that is also classified as a moon goddess…with her glowing cat’s eye reminding us of the moon that it reflects.

One of the most ancient of the Egyptian goddesses, she is depicted as a slender woman having the head of a domestic cat. Sometimes she is shown holding a sistrum, a rattle used as a musical instrument in ancient times. Agile and lithe, Bast was recognized as the goddess of music and dance.

The worship of began around 3,500 B.C.E., before the invention of writing.  In 950 B.C.E. it became the ‘national religion’ when her hometown, Baubastis, became the capitol of Egypt.

Her shrine in Baubastis, fashioned from blocks of pink granite and the lengthy entrance lined with enormous trees, was considered to be one of the most beautiful temples in the world.

The grounds of the templeheld an extensive cat cemetery, where her beloved companions after being mummified, were entombed so they could join Bast in the spirit world.

Cats were honored in the temples of Bast and many felines were in permanent residence there. If a local house caught on fire, the cats would be dispatched to run into the flames, drawing them out of the building. (History’s first record of a fire brigade!)

Undoubtedly many returned to the temple a bit singed, but as heroes of the townspeople. Any unfortunate kitty who perished in the undertaking would be restored to life by the goddess This is possibly the source of the belief that cats have nine lives.

Consistent with her cat-like image and her status as a fertility goddess, Bast was associated with childbirth, perhaps because of the mother cat’s continuous production of litters and the loving way she fiercely defends and cares for her kittens.

As a gentler, more benevolent, evolution of the lion-headed goddess Sekhmet, her violent and bloody sister who could bring plagues, the goddess Bast could be invoked to prevent the spread of illness.

Most households contained a small statue of Bast as a form of household protection. The All-Seeing Eye, to ward off thieves. . . as the Cat Goddess, to keep the house free of snakes. . . and as the healer to ward off infectious diseases.

An amulet with the utchat (all-seeing eye) hung over the door deterred thieves and vandals, placed over the mantel it averted illness, worn around the neck it protected you as you traveled. An amulet featuring a mother cat with several kittens suckling or playing at her feet was often given as a wedding present to a bride, invoking the help of the goddess to insure that a woman would be able to conceive and bear children.

Bast, more than any other of the Egyptian goddesses was perceived as a protector and friend of women and young children. It is hardly surprising that the ancient Greeks referred to Bast as “The Egyptian Artemis”.

Does this goddess sound like a gal that the phrase “sex kitten” would be invented for? Hardly!  But, of course, there is more to the story than we’ve told so far; we saved the juicy parts for last.

For starters, one of the oldest versions of the goddess Bast was known by the name ‘Pasht’, from which our word passion was derived. (And from which the English term “Puss” may have arisen.)

Her name itself shares the hieroglyph of a bas-jar, a large pottery jar, usually filled with expensive perfume, a valuable commodity in a hot climate. Indeed, her son Nefertem, a sun god, became the Egyptian god of alchemy and perfumes.

It’s not surprising she had a reputation, since she herself had three husbands and was acknowledged as a sexual partner of every god.

The rituals performed in her temples, designed for healing, protection, and insuring fertility, were decidedly sensual, full of music and dancing The priestesses of Bast, dressed in “her color” which was red, and were the first “strippers”, famous for their erotic dancing.

Many festivals were held in her honor, and they tended to be quite rowdy affairs. During the major festival, thousands of men and women (children weren’t invited) traveled on barges down the river to Baubastis, drinking and partying mightily.

With loud music, women shaking their rattles, others gyrating in dance, and some lifting their skirts while making lewd comments to the townspeople lined up on the riverbank to watch the procession, the feasts of Bast may have been a precursor to the Mardi Gras and Carnivale. Some think that it is even the basis for the word “floats” that describe the decorated rides in a parade.

The Egyptian goddess Bast reminds us of all that is feline and feminine.  Her gifts, very cat-like in nature, include the refusal to be at everyone’s beck and call and an insistence on the freedom of expression.

She teaches us to relax and never waste energy, reminding us to luxuriate in beauty, perfume, and to sway in graceful movement. Bast refuses to take anything too seriously.

But most importantly, Bast leads us to accept the true nature of things (ourselves included) and helps us remain unswayed by the opinion of others.

Curled up like a cat lying in the sun, the goddess Bast forms a complete circle . . . a symbol of the eternal.

I am very amazed at how many facets of Bast really do describe me to a T.  How much of my life reflects her presence.  I’m not one to get all hung up on deities, but I am truly much like this one in my life’s journey.  Right down to three husbands… independence… protector… healer…   sensuality is something I adore, unpredictable is my middle name.  Never chose this route just ended up here. I live outside the human box.  Loving every minute of it!

…and I love this…

From Her Speak: MEOW MEOW – get your BAST out!

Hello Cupcakes! I was inspired to make this Bast journal entry after a strange cat-nap dream. It was perfect since I’ve been feeling sort of feline lately: moody, stretching and yawning. Bast, the Egyptian cat goddess, is the embodiment of independence, gracefulness and ferocity. Want to tap into your Bast abilities?

[1] Stretch out on the sofa and nap in the sun until you’re damn well ready to wake up, and then demand someone feed you. Immediately.

[2] Cat eyes are the war paint of the smitten kitten world. Never worn them? Check out this tutorial.

[3] Bast was a warrior queen and fierce protectress. Defend what is yours! Your time, your energy, and your passions and your snacks are all valuable–safeguard them. Pull out the claws!

[4] Kitties are washing themselves in polite company constantly–take a bubble bath with the window open.

[5] Cats and Queens don’t come when they are called–they come when they’re good and ready. Don’t feel like answering the phone? Don’t feel like wasting makeup on people that bum you out and bring you down? Don’t feel like entertaining conversation that grinds your gears? Time to exercise the classic Cat Snub!

[6] Not getting the attention you deserve at work and home? Start the conversation by knocking everything off the counter. Or try the direct approach and start ripping up newspapers and sitting on laps. Impressions are important.

How do you get in touch with your kitten sensibilities?

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I DON”T DO BOXES…

What does that mean? It means, that if I see myself in a situation that is too perfect, or too correct, or with too  many labels, rules, restraints, I begin to feel smothered, and something inside of me comes crashing out and I burst through any walls, fences, or armory that is intended to contain me.  I’ve been this way my entire life.  Some people who would prefer that I remain neatly contained within forms that they find comfortable in – label me.  Impossible, jaded, liberal, unconventional, and host of other things that make them feel normal.  I don’t do boxes.  I live my life fully outside of the box wherever I can get away with it.  The goal is to live as fully and experience as much in life as I possibly can and that requires a willingness to take adventure by the horns, make mistakes, stumble… take risks.  Then not get all hung up if the journey didn’t pan out as I might have preferred.

I DON’T DO NUMBERS…

Numbers are just another way to box oneself in.  I have so many of this or not enough of that. I’m this heavy or this skinny, I’m this old or that young. I’m worth this much or not worth enough.  Nope not for me.  People are either quality or some where between quality and lacking quality.  What they have, how old they are, etc means nothing to me.  I wont judge a person based on their numbers, but rather on their character.  Thus I cultivate people from all age groups, all weight groups, all monetary worth or lack of groups, people from every walk of life – if they have a certain quality.  Then I respect them for who they are, and hold them close as equal beings in this journey called life.

I CHALLENGE PEOPLE…

To break free of their self imposed small world and societal bonds.  To live a little freer, experience a bigger more vast life. To challenge their beliefs and any other crutches that hold them back from living and experiencing life fully.  Take a chance, break free of the demons and structures that keep them from fully exploring the adventure life offers.  Feel the thrill, get lost in it, suck in a gasping breath and…

…plunge!

THEN FLY!

I wish you’d come fly with me….

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Have had some interesting topics come up lately that thrust me into some very deep thinking.

(Clare Lynn – Interactive Light Art Photography – exquisite perceptions of light.)

My last post was about letting go and letting life! Well as it turns out since that post I have had the pretty little house I talked about fall out of my reach, the fat cat is going back to his owner who returned 1 and 1/2 years early from Thailand. I feel good! I have three jobs… summer looks good for paying off some debts. I’m beginning to think of how I want to shape my future. Not letting go of letting life… just giving life a direction and see where it ends up. Part of me wants to change up life’s direction every few years so that I don’t wake up someday mired down in one limited life experience.

Someone recently passed a thought past me that brought about a flood of insights. One of the things I’ve always fought against in life was being stereotyped. Shoved into a category. So when it comes to common thought on any one topic I generally sit outside the bucket or find myself jumping from one bucket of ideals to another. My beliefs are broad and varied and change with any number of new input.

It hit me today that because of my broad vista manner of viewing the world, I am free-er than most people that I know. I try sometimes to impart this freedom to those who I care about only to be faced with stone walls of rejection. I’ve had to learn to grasp onto my own joy – live it fully and not get weighed down by others choice to not join me.

(Douglas Van Howd Studios – Speaking of art and beauty in nature – check out Douglas Van Howd’s gorgeous Sculptures!)

Everyday I become more and more the butterfly girl of my youth. Care none, live with glee and passion. Always there for those who seek or need. I’m not though, willing to be a crutch.

I’m an empath have been my whole life… I learn via osmosis. I communicate everywhere I can silently and with whoever I can silently. I use to think it a handicap as in conversations I’m not the best linguist. But that would mean fitting into one of those buckets, wouldn’t it? Not for me! To let go of my inherent ability to feel and see the nature of others around me via my innate sense would be losing myself. Would be my life’s worst tragedy.

Because of my many bucket broad vista, adventurous, empathic nature, I avoid controversy, and other stressful situations. I don’t see a need for putting myself through an unpleasant experience. It was suggested to me that much could be gleaned from the interactive nature of controversy. That is very true. As an observer though with no agenda one can learn just as much and maybe accept more of what is being shared due to being open. As opposed to being defensive of ones own ideals.

All of a sudden I’m just one very happy girl with a very bright future… accepting who I am, snuggling up with me…

I wish for everyone that they find in their own unique way that place in their own unique being that brings so much joy and pleasure to be themselves.

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Thankful Thursday May 5, 2011
…posted one day early…

PASSIONATA DI CATALANO

Life sure is a roller coaster, and throws all kinds of wrenches at you.  Just when I’m certain I have it all figured out and have gained some sense of balance and direction in my life… wham things turn upside down again and I’m back clawing my way back up the mountainside reaching for that stable platform.  It seems as though we spend all of our time balancing that platform upon the narrowest peak doing our best to keep it level and our lives on track and comfortable. Realization is that the platform we all cling to is not so stable at all. For me it’s always been trying to improve on what was provided for me.  I always do it too.  I always try to take what was provided and take it to a place that is just out of reach.  Maybe it’s the explorer in me, the challenger, or researcher.  But it always blows up in my face, if not now, then later, but at some point I’ve got it coming.  This has been my life’s lesson over and over again, and you’d think that at some point I’d heed its message.

So if you have read the last post you’ll see that I was on to a dream, I sought it out and was going for it, creating the path I would walk down. Well shortly after posting it, the horse I was creating my dreams around died. The other horse I had hoped to move forward with was made unavailable to me and I was lost again. Not one day later though an old opportunity to travel down a specific path opened up to me and I chose to take it and yet not a day later than that I had already moved this opportunity toward that unachievable goal. Damn!  It took Heather to open my eyes and show me what I was doing… again.  In a few short sentences, she brought daylight to the path that has been provided to me and brought light to what I was doing…. again, reminding me how it all could end up if I kept this up.  So my job now is to keep it simple and finally heed that lesson. Find satisfaction in the simple pleasure of this gift.

It’s a funny thing, since early childhood I’ve been drawn to blue animals. Blue cats, blue dogs, blue horses, blue birds, blue fish.  I don’t want a cat… but guess what… meet Gunner.

He is a six year old grossly overweight life long pet of a friend who moved to Thailand. I could not see this guy just tossed aside so I offered to help find him a forever home. They called him “Crazy Legs” because he would attack your legs.  Wow were they not kidding… this guy is treacherous.  I had cuts and scratches all over me from him attacking me as I’d walk by. There was no petting him without being in danger.  Once he attacked me from across the room and left marks all over my chest.  I was a little nervous about sleeping in the first days after he moved in with me, that he would attack my face at night. I mean not your usual kitty play. we’re talking dangerous injury kind of kill pray kind of thing. Me being the pray. I think this cat weighed close to 30 lbs, and  has a big cat (like tiger sized) mind.  I quickly realized that he was not going to find a home.  I’m faced with putting him down or putting him in a no kill shelter who will keep him caged for life, or biting the bullet so to speak and keeping him myself. I’ve renamed him Gunner for his gun metal color and have put him on a diet where he has lost maybe 4 or 5 lbs over the month and still needing to lose about 8 to 10 more.  He may put me in a position to have to find another home as I’m not suppose to have a cat where I live.  I’m going to ask if I can pay a hefty deposit, non refundable, with written promise of carpet cleaning etc when I move out. Gunner is not a dirty cat, he is very quiet, doesn’t get into anything, and is trying so hard to learn how to be gentle and loving.  He wants to be secure so badly. I have to try.

So at least at the moment, I have a blue ‘”fat” murderous cat named Gunner, and, if you have been paying attention… I now also have a blue horse.

(Yes I know, she looks mouse brown here, but she is what is called a grulla known for their blue-ish tint with dark head, legs, mane and tail, and stripes also on their legs and stripe down the back.  Once shed  out she will be a deep slate smokey color with a blue-ish tint.)

From my favorite bloodlines in the Spanish Mustang breed, I’ve named her Passionata di Catalano after my passions for this breed, for horses in general, and given her my maiden name Catalano which means from Catalan Spain where our Sicilian family originated many many moons ago during the Catalan/Iberian reign. A tiny little thing, she will be perfect for my family and inexpensive to feed and maintain. She was given to me from Laura Louise Jayne  Mueller of Spanish Horse Conservatory, the lady I once bought my first Spanish Mustang from. Now to keep on the path of the opportunity that has been afforded me. To intertwine her into my family as a member, train and show her in exhibitions, and just enjoy a horse (One Horse) for the sake of a horse and for no other reason no matter how grand or potentially beneficial.  Creator, please give me the strength and wisdom to stay on this path, and to keep from trying to turn it into something more than it is fated to be.

Aho

So, the plan is to locate a place to bring Passionata home to this June in Silverton for the summer then to just begin the life long process of becoming friends with her.  To some time by next summer buy a saddle something like this Portuguese Vaquero saddle for her.

With matching bridle and equipment. while in the meantime start her training for classical style work that will prepare her for Garrocha.

I’d knot her tail up like you see here and braid her mane up and go to exhibitions… I think Passionata would be very pretty and well suited for this kind of work, as well as trail riding and family enjoyment.

So unless the creator changes things up on me once again this is where I sit. A blue cat named Gunner, more than likely a new place to live by next summer, a blue horse named Passionata di Catalano and a dream of trail riding,  along with Garrocha exhibitions and family fun.

Wish me luck!

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Excerpt… Husband by Arrangement

“My mother always said that getting into a relationship is like heating water: first simmer, then boil. The only way to be sure is to marry first and wait for love to come later. Westerners have it backwards –  you expect the water to come to a boil first. When the relationship cools down, you’re disappointed and you break i…t off.”

…how true!!!

Ive been married three times: 1st one was a 9 month annulment, 2nd lasted 5 years, the 3rd was abusive and I had to escape after 3 years. All of that happened before I was 37. Since then I’ve been single, dating occasionally here or there. With that life experience I have to say that I totally agree with the statement above.

When dating I find that everyone is looking for the boil first and wont take the time to really get to know another person and allow natural attractions to develop.  It’s very disheartening. It is also the reason I am still single. As I always look for real quality and friendship and similar passions in a person who gets it. That the water boils only after you get the pan out, fill it with water, then set onto heat that gradually builds until the water is at optimum temp.  All of that prep time is a bit boring and time consuming. Yet the desired affect comes about naturally and transforms without a lot of sparks and glitter. It is real though and has more depth.

So I’ve been single for 20 years…  I’ve kept up the ideal that someone with the criteria I look for… “real quality and friendship and similar passions in a person who gets it” will magically come along if I keep the doors and windows open, let go of old and allow new to reveal itself.  In the mean time I date younger men. Yes that’s right they are usually 10 to 15 years younger than me.  Why, because I figure it this way, they are not men I’d develop a long term relationship with.  They are after the boil first relationship full of sparks and glitter that so often goes nowhere.

So why not enjoy what they have to offer and move on.  Is that a good approach, mmmm… no not really, I realize it, but its better than being alone my whole life while waiting for a fairy tale to come along.  A dude who sees the bigger picture.

The goal in my relationship life now is to find a good friend to grow old with as friends flourishing in our mutual passions.  Maybe we become intimate at some time during that relationship and maybe we dont.  But we share the passions we both have in life in “real-life”. In the flesh.  One thing I have learned in this life’s experience as a single woman, is that I hate cyber relationships. they are safe, empty and go no where.

I re-evaluate my terms of endearment from time to time as I don’t want to be closed minded or close the circle of availability smaller and smaller.  Yet I find myself unable to waver from my position that friends who love similar things in life in many cases will fall into a deeply rewarding relationship with one another.  This will probably keep me single the rest of my life.  But I cant seem to shake it. Or trade it in for the a short and fiery bliss to hatred relationship that  so many people go through. I’ve been in and out of more relationships/dating scenarios that I want to truthfully admit to… thus this is where I have landed with those experiences.

All or nothing!

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March 10, 2011

I know I’m suppose to be working. Well no one is making me work. I know I need to and I have put a few hours in today and do have some progress so its not a complete wash like yesterday was. Something came up today that made me think about communication and why I put my life out there for all to inspect. It’s also Thankful Thursday… so will take a hiatus for a bit while I reflect and share.

Why do I put my life out there in full view… so many worry about their privacy, or their safety for good cause, but I have never felt the need for privacy from the universe and all that’s in it. My privacy is in my home. As for safety that’s relevant to whatever is going to happen will happen. I’m all for not encouraging stupid things to happen, but you’re not going to stop them when they come around they just come around. Example, I was walking past a horse one day that I had been working with for months. A sweet horse… kicked me so hard I was thrown 20 feet in the air. Why did he kick me? I’m guessing he was mad at me.  Did he warn me “Hey You, I’m pissed at you” no… I don’t even think he preconceived the notion. It came out of him from no where. He even seemed remorse about it. So safety is relevant – that no car part malfunctions… etc.

Universe hear me! I am going to put my soul out there for you to see, feel, taste, and hear. Awakend Heart from Conscious Flex: Communicating With Universe Within The Infinite Potential Consciousness

Relationship World – Real Communication Is About Sharing Feelings – this is about relationships between couples.  It also is the same model for between peoples of the world.

Educational program to aid in communication. 4-Way Mental Communication And Emotional Sharing

The Jewish Woman – Sharing the Worlds Beauty – A story about what we can see and feel  and share if we put ourselves in the right place within ourselves.

Then groups work around the world to collect life stories to help bring about world change.  A Storied Career – Get Ready for next Weeks International Day for Sharing Life Stories

Share My Story – People healing each other and others.

I’m convinced that what we share does have an impact on someone somewhere and my life has always been about planting seeds, offering something to someone who may or may not recognize the gift.  Never has it been about me or what I get from it.  I rarely get anything but labeled as being mouthy.  But if something I have experienced or share from knowledge to emotional expression of feelings can be of use to someone at some point in their lives… then I’m going to blab LOUD AND CLEAR for that person or persons forever!

Another aspect I love about sharing ourselveses with the world is that with the world wide web we get to meet people from all around the world with varied opinion and experiences.  What I love is when those people are not afraid to express who they really are what they really feel and how they are really coping with their lives.  Its part of my health management. I learn from them and try to take in things they impart.  Its a chain of connectedness.

Thank you Avatar for imparting this ideal so effectively.  Yes I am in the center, and I am outside the circle reaching in giving my part to Universe.

Thank you to all those who listen, who judge, who don’t, my friends, my acquaintances and those Ive yet to meet.  I listen to you – a conduit for a deep knowing through  me and me through you and all through the universe we share.  Thank you Internet for allowing this to be – connecting us all as one.  Especially those of us who are really LOUD! 

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(Photo from Jay Post’s Photo Stream on Flickr)

I have been trying to find artwork or a story or something that brings my old friend and Spirit Guide to visual life. Not really something one should undertake as it will never be more than illusive.  Spirit Guides never show themselves to us in this or any particular way nor are they to be shared. About 10 years ago I sent Him away from me. Its a long sad story and it culminated in many difficulties to come since then.  I just cant get past it though, something is driving me to find Pasquehela.  I’m not even sure if that is the real name… but it is the name that was shown to me via enunciation but not spelling. The spelling is my translation.

Pasquehela is a very ancient Soul…  Here are some visuals to help bring His Soul to life.  When He came to me, I understood that He probably was not a person at all… but rather was brought to me in an image that I could understand and grasp on to.  The vision showed me a young in love man of probably early 30′s maybe mid 20′s who came to me with a woman at His side.  She also has an impact on me as I believe She was a Healer.   They looked a lot like the photo below but lived in a canyon during ancient of times. They didn’t really look like this, just use your imagination and think back before non indigenous people made their impact.  At some point I will discuss Her as well, as She has also had a profound impact on my life.

(Photo found at Sons of the South)

This sketch so resembles the image I have, yet it’s still not ancient enough I just cannot get the feel of modern weaponry in His coming.

Apache Indian Legends…

(Someones creative image of “Holy Boy)

Creation and Emergence Legend

“It is dark in the underworld before the emergence. Dissatisfied, Holy Boy decides there should be light. He tries without success to make the sun and moon, using specular iron ore and pollen.

He tries again and again, using many different materials, but is unsuccessful. Whirlwind, who spies on the hactcin, tells Holy Boy that White Hactcin has the sun, and he should get it from him.

White Hactcin tells Holy Boy that Black Hactcin has the moon, and Holy Boy is able to acquire it as well. The hactcin instruct Holy Boy in the ritual acts of creating the sun and moon. When the song rituals are complete the sun and moon rise, bringing light to the underworld.

The many medicine people living in the lower world immediately claim responsibility for creating the sun and moon, arguing fiercely with one another. The hactcin warn them to be silent for four days, but the medicine people ignore the warning. On the fourth day, the sun rises to the center of the sky. Because the medicine people continue to argue, it goes through the hole in the center of the sky into the present earth. Only faint light comes through into the lower world. The Jicarilla identify this incident with solar
eclipses.

The hactcin challenge the boasting medicine people to bring back the sun and moon. The medicine people demonstrate their considerable abilities, but nothing they do brings back the sun and moon. Next, all the birds and animals are challenged to try. Each animal comes forward and offerssome kind of food. The hactcin accept all their offerings as useful items, but the sun and moon remain in the world above.

Finally, the hactcin direct the representation in sand (sandpainting) of a world bordered by four mountains. The mountains are represented by four differently colored piles of sand. On each mountain are placed leaves of the trees and seeds of the fruits that will grow upon it. The people sing and pray as the mountains begin to grow. Eventually the mountains grow together, forming a single mountain.

The hactcin choose 12 medicine people, painting and costuming them so that six represent summer and six represent winter. The hactcin choose six more medicine people as clowns (the Jicarilla word for clown translates “striped excrement”). The clowns are painted white all over with black stripes across the face, chest, and legs. Their hair is formed into two horns, painted white with four black stripes. Jicarilla clowns are powerful healers.

When the mountain has grown nearly to the sky, Fly and Spider are sent to the world above. They bring back four rays of the sun, from which the hactcin construct a ladder of 1 2 steps. Animals sent up the ladder report that the world above is full of water. The hactcin go up into the world and prepare the earth for others to enter. The emergence proceeds from this point, the clowns first, laughing to scare away anything that will cause illness.

Then the hactcin emerge, followed by First Man and First Woman. Next come the 12 medicine people, followed by all the people and animals. Finally two old people try to enter the world, but the ladders are now worn out and they cannot climb them. They call for help, but there is no way for them to emerge.

The old people angrily proclaim they will remain in in the underworld, but that those who have emerged must some day return, thus designating the underworld as the place of death.

The Lipan Apache Indians have a similar emergence story. In the Lipan version Killer-of-Enemies, identifed as the Sun, is a principal creator and culture hero. Killer-of-Enemies seems to be synonymous with Child-of-the-Water, the child of Changing Woman, who is identified as the Moon and Thunder. Child-of-the-Water is a name rarely used. In Lipan stories Killer-of-Enemies has a younger brother known as Wise One.

The Chiricahua and Mescalero Apache Indians do not have an emergence story. Their creation story begins with the flooding of a world that seems in retrospect to have fallen into malevolence. These stories proceed to the creative efforts of White Painted Woman and Child-of-the-Water who, rather than Killer-of-Enemies, is the dominant culture hero.

The western Apache Indians seldom tell the emergence story. More commonly they begin with a brief account of the creation of the earth, moving on quickly to the slaying of monsters.

Sacha Runa a very interesting approach to healing the World.

Healer “Beautiful Painted Arrow” although looks not too much like Pasquehela, does in fact appear to be touch by Him.  This photo of  Beautiful Painted Arrow conjures images of the Spirit Guide.

Horse Stalker

This “doll” could be an aging Pasquehela – if indeed the soul lived long enough in a body to become aged Which is not what I was shown in my vision. The man who came to me was much younger when He went home.

The Apaches of Aravaipa Canyon

(Chief Capitan Chiquito Bullis)

In trying to find images that reflected my vision I came across this account of the history of Aravaipa Canyon. The canyon looks similar to the one in my vision. Probably not the same one, but it is of a similar composition. I have never been to Aravaipa Canyon and had never looked at photos of it until after my vision.  I found it profound.  Having found this website dedicated to the canyon’s early people, I am dumbfounded. Chief Chiquito’s eyes reflect the knowing and understanding that one would see in the Spirit Guides eyes or feel from the touch of His Soul.

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