Thankful Thursday May 5, 2011
…posted one day early…

PASSIONATA DI CATALANO

Life sure is a roller coaster, and throws all kinds of wrenches at you.  Just when I’m certain I have it all figured out and have gained some sense of balance and direction in my life… wham things turn upside down again and I’m back clawing my way back up the mountainside reaching for that stable platform.  It seems as though we spend all of our time balancing that platform upon the narrowest peak doing our best to keep it level and our lives on track and comfortable. Realization is that the platform we all cling to is not so stable at all. For me it’s always been trying to improve on what was provided for me.  I always do it too.  I always try to take what was provided and take it to a place that is just out of reach.  Maybe it’s the explorer in me, the challenger, or researcher.  But it always blows up in my face, if not now, then later, but at some point I’ve got it coming.  This has been my life’s lesson over and over again, and you’d think that at some point I’d heed its message.

So if you have read the last post you’ll see that I was on to a dream, I sought it out and was going for it, creating the path I would walk down. Well shortly after posting it, the horse I was creating my dreams around died. The other horse I had hoped to move forward with was made unavailable to me and I was lost again. Not one day later though an old opportunity to travel down a specific path opened up to me and I chose to take it and yet not a day later than that I had already moved this opportunity toward that unachievable goal. Damn!  It took Heather to open my eyes and show me what I was doing… again.  In a few short sentences, she brought daylight to the path that has been provided to me and brought light to what I was doing…. again, reminding me how it all could end up if I kept this up.  So my job now is to keep it simple and finally heed that lesson. Find satisfaction in the simple pleasure of this gift.

It’s a funny thing, since early childhood I’ve been drawn to blue animals. Blue cats, blue dogs, blue horses, blue birds, blue fish.  I don’t want a cat… but guess what… meet Gunner.

He is a six year old grossly overweight life long pet of a friend who moved to Thailand. I could not see this guy just tossed aside so I offered to help find him a forever home. They called him “Crazy Legs” because he would attack your legs.  Wow were they not kidding… this guy is treacherous.  I had cuts and scratches all over me from him attacking me as I’d walk by. There was no petting him without being in danger.  Once he attacked me from across the room and left marks all over my chest.  I was a little nervous about sleeping in the first days after he moved in with me, that he would attack my face at night. I mean not your usual kitty play. we’re talking dangerous injury kind of kill pray kind of thing. Me being the pray. I think this cat weighed close to 30 lbs, and  has a big cat (like tiger sized) mind.  I quickly realized that he was not going to find a home.  I’m faced with putting him down or putting him in a no kill shelter who will keep him caged for life, or biting the bullet so to speak and keeping him myself. I’ve renamed him Gunner for his gun metal color and have put him on a diet where he has lost maybe 4 or 5 lbs over the month and still needing to lose about 8 to 10 more.  He may put me in a position to have to find another home as I’m not suppose to have a cat where I live.  I’m going to ask if I can pay a hefty deposit, non refundable, with written promise of carpet cleaning etc when I move out. Gunner is not a dirty cat, he is very quiet, doesn’t get into anything, and is trying so hard to learn how to be gentle and loving.  He wants to be secure so badly. I have to try.

So at least at the moment, I have a blue ‘”fat” murderous cat named Gunner, and, if you have been paying attention… I now also have a blue horse.

(Yes I know, she looks mouse brown here, but she is what is called a grulla known for their blue-ish tint with dark head, legs, mane and tail, and stripes also on their legs and stripe down the back.  Once shed  out she will be a deep slate smokey color with a blue-ish tint.)

From my favorite bloodlines in the Spanish Mustang breed, I’ve named her Passionata di Catalano after my passions for this breed, for horses in general, and given her my maiden name Catalano which means from Catalan Spain where our Sicilian family originated many many moons ago during the Catalan/Iberian reign. A tiny little thing, she will be perfect for my family and inexpensive to feed and maintain. She was given to me from Laura Louise Jayne  Mueller of Spanish Horse Conservatory, the lady I once bought my first Spanish Mustang from. Now to keep on the path of the opportunity that has been afforded me. To intertwine her into my family as a member, train and show her in exhibitions, and just enjoy a horse (One Horse) for the sake of a horse and for no other reason no matter how grand or potentially beneficial.  Creator, please give me the strength and wisdom to stay on this path, and to keep from trying to turn it into something more than it is fated to be.

Aho

So, the plan is to locate a place to bring Passionata home to this June in Silverton for the summer then to just begin the life long process of becoming friends with her.  To some time by next summer buy a saddle something like this Portuguese Vaquero saddle for her.

With matching bridle and equipment. while in the meantime start her training for classical style work that will prepare her for Garrocha.

I’d knot her tail up like you see here and braid her mane up and go to exhibitions… I think Passionata would be very pretty and well suited for this kind of work, as well as trail riding and family enjoyment.

So unless the creator changes things up on me once again this is where I sit. A blue cat named Gunner, more than likely a new place to live by next summer, a blue horse named Passionata di Catalano and a dream of trail riding,  along with Garrocha exhibitions and family fun.

Wish me luck!

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March 10, 2011

I know I’m suppose to be working. Well no one is making me work. I know I need to and I have put a few hours in today and do have some progress so its not a complete wash like yesterday was. Something came up today that made me think about communication and why I put my life out there for all to inspect. It’s also Thankful Thursday… so will take a hiatus for a bit while I reflect and share.

Why do I put my life out there in full view… so many worry about their privacy, or their safety for good cause, but I have never felt the need for privacy from the universe and all that’s in it. My privacy is in my home. As for safety that’s relevant to whatever is going to happen will happen. I’m all for not encouraging stupid things to happen, but you’re not going to stop them when they come around they just come around. Example, I was walking past a horse one day that I had been working with for months. A sweet horse… kicked me so hard I was thrown 20 feet in the air. Why did he kick me? I’m guessing he was mad at me.  Did he warn me “Hey You, I’m pissed at you” no… I don’t even think he preconceived the notion. It came out of him from no where. He even seemed remorse about it. So safety is relevant – that no car part malfunctions… etc.

Universe hear me! I am going to put my soul out there for you to see, feel, taste, and hear. Awakend Heart from Conscious Flex: Communicating With Universe Within The Infinite Potential Consciousness

Relationship World – Real Communication Is About Sharing Feelings – this is about relationships between couples.  It also is the same model for between peoples of the world.

Educational program to aid in communication. 4-Way Mental Communication And Emotional Sharing

The Jewish Woman – Sharing the Worlds Beauty – A story about what we can see and feel  and share if we put ourselves in the right place within ourselves.

Then groups work around the world to collect life stories to help bring about world change.  A Storied Career – Get Ready for next Weeks International Day for Sharing Life Stories

Share My Story – People healing each other and others.

I’m convinced that what we share does have an impact on someone somewhere and my life has always been about planting seeds, offering something to someone who may or may not recognize the gift.  Never has it been about me or what I get from it.  I rarely get anything but labeled as being mouthy.  But if something I have experienced or share from knowledge to emotional expression of feelings can be of use to someone at some point in their lives… then I’m going to blab LOUD AND CLEAR for that person or persons forever!

Another aspect I love about sharing ourselveses with the world is that with the world wide web we get to meet people from all around the world with varied opinion and experiences.  What I love is when those people are not afraid to express who they really are what they really feel and how they are really coping with their lives.  Its part of my health management. I learn from them and try to take in things they impart.  Its a chain of connectedness.

Thank you Avatar for imparting this ideal so effectively.  Yes I am in the center, and I am outside the circle reaching in giving my part to Universe.

Thank you to all those who listen, who judge, who don’t, my friends, my acquaintances and those Ive yet to meet.  I listen to you – a conduit for a deep knowing through  me and me through you and all through the universe we share.  Thank you Internet for allowing this to be – connecting us all as one.  Especially those of us who are really LOUD! 

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I’ve been amiss in my Thankful Thursday posts.  With building my Rum Felicity and Catt Paw Massage websites there has been plenty of  online creative processing.  That and along with working on a web presence for my friend, Simrat’s online art home, and facebook posts and meanderings  I’ve been pretty busy.

I need though to acknowledge some wonderful things that are happening in my life.  So here goes.

1) I feel so fortunate to be employed by Montanya Distillers.

They are great people with a driving force to succeed.  What other kind of people would I want to align myself with.  If you apply yourself you can’t fail.  Apply myself  is what I am doing and I feel like my employers recognize this and appreciate it.  Yet I have had a couple set backs thanks to San Juan Mountain weather, having to cancel rum tastings in Grand Junction and Montrose last Friday.  Heather and I are suppose to be taking off today to get those tastings done.  I wake up this morning look outside and  argh… more snow!  The Mountains look socked in. I hope its just a dusting and we can make this trip as I don’t want to cancel on these folks again.  This is the first time I’ve been bummed by the snow.  I’m thinking that no more trips planned around the state until after April. Do all my driving this summer and settle back into phone calls this winter.  With that said, I am going back to Arizona first week in April to do tastings there which brings me to my second item to be thankful for.

2) My car is a good little car, but its not a long distance car by any means.  Its wonderful in the conditions I live in here in Silverton,  yet it struggles a bit out on a road.  I worry that if I take it too far from home, I’ll get stuck somewhere and have to call my son-in-law to come get me.  So, I have this Montanya trip planned for April to Arizona.  Its a good gig, worth the effort in the potential income it could generate.  So what did my company do?  They are renting a car for me to take on this trip so that I can get our product established in Arizona.  I know that other companies do this sort of thing… it’s just never been done for me before.  I am so thankful!!  I want this job to blossom for all concerned, I’m loyal and dedicated to the company and it feels good that they recognize something in me and are willing to take a risk on me.   Well its not really a risk… but some folks would see it that way.

This brings me to the third item.

3) Risk.

I’ve been looking at horses for a while now – trying to decide whether I want one or not and if I do, which kind.  Well I settled on the fact that I do want another horse. Its really hard though, because I am in love with a certain kind of horse a certain quality and personality. I’ve been spoiled by the likes of Asad, Kindlewood, and Madrid.  Elegant athletic, comical and loving companions.  These horses knew how to be friends.  They also had a certain beauty and grace that made the heart and soul sing when you gazed upon them.  So as I studied different breeds and individuals I became aware that what I really wanted was something similar to them in type and being.  As much as I admired other horses and types of horses, my heart would start when I came across certain ones.  In the process I tried to buy three different horses and either was turned down or became apprehensive and backed out.  I have a real fear of facing the pain that disease can cause for my horse after the devastating effect Kindlewood’s suffering and death had on me.  I could not bring her son home, because I was too afraid, and he reminded me of horses of the past.  A risk I just could not make myself face. I needed to move forward not backward.  I just could not look upon Pro everyday and not see him , but rather see his mother and her death,  and the loss of his grand sire and grand dam.  Not fare to him and too painful for me.  Heather said it yesterday… Mom, you had to sever yourself from them in order to move forward with a horse.  How profound of her!

So move forward I have…  and this is where I have landed.

Just a gorgeous 3 year old filly named Shades of Gray. A registered Spanish Mustang, gaited and appy.  Definitely my type of elegance and fluidity. I have never liked gray horses.  But I have fallen in love with this girl.  She is appy but she is turning gray which means that she will lose her spots someday and become a white horse.  I see fine China!!

Isn’t Shade one of the most feminine and sweet girls you’ve ever laid eyes on.  She’s a girly girl and I love that about her! I am back to being excited about the future and making plans for how we will live together. What kind of gear we’ll use together and what kind of education we’ll share together.  New journeys… new adventures.

Shade will remain in South Dakota at Don and Terri Harwood’s until June 2012 then she’ll make her journey to Silverton to play with me in the mountains for the summer, learn about human idiosyncrasies like climbing up on her back and such nonsense.  Then she will spend her first Colorado winter on pasture near Silverton.  I’m thinking of bringing her in off pasture in February of each year and boarding her for three or four months each spring where I can take lessons and brush up on my dressage training as someday this is what I want to do with her.  Haute Ecole…

Dreams… I want to thank Don and Terri Harwood of Blue Moon Spanish Mustangs for making this new dream possible. I’m so full of gratitude.

4) I want to thank everyone who has traveled this journey with me and have remained good freinds and valuable support.  Those who felt the impact of my experiences and shared their warmth and kindness as we waded through the muck together.  YOU all mean the world to me!

Thank you!

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December 30, 2010

Yes we are snowed in today.  I went to the Kendall Mountain Cafe this morning for the best pancakes EVER!  While there I overheard out-of-towners declaring how huge their predicament was. Not being able to leave town, only so much money, so many clothing and no way out of town.  Yep, that’s right the passes are closed!  I heard the howitzer going off this morning shooting avalanches probably to clear the passes.

Yep this is one fine day to be thankful for!  We are snowed in!  I have four massages to give today and that will set me for the weeks income.  Can’t get any better. Good food, warm cozy abode, good work, and as much as it’s a misfortune for the out-of-towners who would love to leave, our town needs you!  We are very happy you are staying.  Thank you Snow God for bringing our little community so much good fortune.  I know oxymoron…  I do feel for the those who are trapped and wish them the  best of luck too.

Below meet Miss Basil she is a small tree that I sprouted from a seed three years ago now.  Her seed was a Christmas gift from a good friend and client in Arizona. She loves her spot by the window and provides many tasty meals with her huge leaves. She also loves being a mommy and has produced several children. I plan to sprout out as many of her kids (this years seeds) as I can very soon for next years Christmas gifts.  I think she gave me over 100 seeds this year.

And here are my merry group of Shamrocks gazing out toward the brightness of the snows reflection.  Most active plants you’ll ever get to know. Very very busy little bees. You can sit for hours and watch them move around in their determined little way.

This is Miss Rosemary after a good trim. She supplied our pre-Christmas party with fresh organic Rosemary dip. She is also my wick monitor and when everyone needs water she lets me know.

Below are a couple interesting no flash shots viewing the snow storm from my window.

And last but not least here are all the Miss Spider Plants.  The one you see the best is one given to me by Heather when I first moved to Silverton but living in the pot with her is my baby.  Baby Spider Girl has been with me for going on five years now and has a ton of babies of her own. She was given to me as a three leaf sprigling. (I know its a Susan word).

I have dug my car out three times in the past two days nothing hard, just keeping it from getting covered as deeply as last year.  We expect 21 inches to fall today.  We’re snowed in and I am soooo thankful for it.

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December 16, 2010

Oh wow today is Thankful Thursday!!!  I almost forgot. It’s been hard for me to get my mind back on track since returning home from AZ, having messed up my weeks more then once now.  I am so lucky though to have very kind and patient people around me.

Today let’s go on a  journey of gratitude for the smallest of things.

1) my very cozy bed this morning… a couple extra hours just luxuriating in the warmth and comfort of it.

2) the morning walk to Kendall Mountain Cafe with a neighbor of mine for a nice breakfast by the coal fire while watching the snow fall from the window at our seat. Kendall Mountain is my ex-son-in-law’s establishment.  It warms my heart to see him doing so well with it.

3) I spied something beautiful last night…

Looking at him just makes me happy!  I spent the night making up names for him. Even though he will never be mine.  Fire Horse, Thunder Storm, Romance Writer, Rio Ranger, He Who Makes Thunder, Storm Chaser, Cheveyo (Spirit Warrior)… and on and on.  Makes me smile!

4) The twinkle in Dragon’s (the bearded dragon) eye each morning when we say our morning salutations together.

5) Lessons that touch our heart or make us take pause.

(Photo from:  “The Jungle of Life” I love what this guy has to share!)

Like reuniting with a friend  just to lose them again. Sobering….  or maybe the friendship was never what you thought it was or could be.  Letting go and loving unconditionally regardless of the outcome.  I choose to love my friend with all my heart…   unconditionally.

6) Feathers… just because they are exquisite!

(Artist Julie Thompson – more of her amazing work can be seen at Toxel.com)

7) Dragons… yes I love dragons. They remind me much of myself – finding myself sometimes against all odds in a world that doesn’t understand me fully… nor I it.  But I’ll stand bold and brave in the face of armored knights with their spears and lances, and unleash the fire from within.  Yep I love Dragons!

Wait… wait…  here it comes…

hehehe… don’t get burnt!

Okay not the most finite or subtle or minute of things to be grateful for.   But a journey non-the-less into who I am and how I feel – from the grace of a beautiful creature called horse, to the lessons of love and lost of friendships that will be carried deeply within. From the beauty and delicate nature of the feather and the vision it brought to one artistic eye, to the fire that lies beneath this quiet persona. Beware of Dragons!  No one loves more deeply than, nor rises more violently than one of a Dragon’s heart.

Yummm.. I love this stuff!  Puts this huge smile on my face and makes me want to give thanks for simply being alive. To be able to use my imagination, while witnessing the imaginations of others. To know what it really means to love unconditionally.  All of it even the pain and suffering that sometimes accompanies the wonderful things in life. I am so thankful for all of it.

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December 9, 2010

Well its final Pro stays with  Kathy of Kickapoo Farm in Wisconsin.  I am horseless.  Kathy has plans to put Pro under saddle in the spring and possibly take him to the Midwest Fair in 2011.  I’m moving on… but will enjoy watching him grow and flourish in Kathy’s capable hands over the coming years.  I am so grateful for Kathy!  Kathy you are the most wonderful human being!

Much is on the wind these days.

(Painting by Josephine Wall titled “Wind of Change”)

My C/Store job may be at risk as we have very little business right now. I may be forced to look at unemployment which I have never used before, and since I am also self employed it may be out of my reach.  So if that happens folks I may be forced to move back to AZ for work. If this comes around I will look for something similar to what I have here in living situation and pick back up many of my clients.  This could mean doubling or tripling my income, and it would not be a permanent move, as I would keep my place here too. It could turn into a 6 months here 6 months there sorta deal. Goal?  To pay off my debts.  I have no real desire to move back to Arizona, you all read the negative impact it had on me during this past trip back to visit friends.  But I can handle AZ… AZ you  just bring it on!  Don’t get me wrong I love her still. I just get messed up when I’m there..  I can handle it though and maybe it would be good for me to go back and become master of her rather than influenced by her.

I was thinking I could take up a couple classes while there in the winter months (OH GOD NO!  Not a SnowBird!!)… I’d actually miss the snow… sheesh!  But I also build websites and I’m kinda behind the ball an could use some updating in php etc. Then there is continuing education for my massage business and I could finish up my studies for my Nationals accreditation.  So it may be a good move if it comes to be. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to move if I choose to.  How freeing!  I am grateful that I have many friends and clients in AZ who would like to see me return even if only for a few months.

It’s a big  IF!

So now here I am  excited about the possibilities.  What comes next…  how life winds around in its own unconcerned journey to find us ever moving and always evolving.  Gotta love this life!

Things to be thankful for:

1) my quality of life is fabulous

2) my family and friends are everything to me

3) Dragon woke up from his 2 month sleep!! Did I tell all of you that!?  YAY Dragon Companionship – he is the best!

4) my health is excellent

5) It’s a wonderful holiday season

6) I so enjoy my little abode, its safe,warm and comfy.  My plants and paintings, and rug all make it so enjoyable and relaxing to be in.

Have a great week all!  Be thankful – life has so much to offer!

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December 2, 2010

Being filled with gratitude sometimes takes a conscious effort to open up or take the time to absorb or be filled with thoughts, feelings, memories or stimuli that solicit a thankful spirit.  That is where I am today. Making a purposeful effort.

I came to my blog really wanting to discuss lost memories – something that troubles me.  My friend Ron and I were discussing times past when we rode our horses together.  I cant for the life of me remember any of those rides. I remember him riding past my house or me past his, but I cannot remember ever riding with him.  That saddens me because that past buddy thing we had going on really meant something to me.  Also I have folks come to me all the time who I’ve known in the past and I cant remember how we knew each other.  I know that we did things together or shared something with one another… but what?  I don’t know when this happened. Was it a closing off of something inside of me back when I had to let Asad and Madrid go?  Was it my mother’s death or the loss of my house?  Are those excuses?  All I know is the events of around that time in my life have faded in my memory.  I apologize to all for anything that I may have forgotten.

(Photo found at iblard.com)

Well I’m not going to sit here and worry about it.  Today is sunny and warm, I just received an incredible massage from my guru and friend Maryanne, have a beer in hand and some chips – yep I’m eating chips.  Usually I’m eating nuts or fruit, however today is indulgence day and I’m jumping in the deep water.

I received some very good advice today that if I were to follow it would free my life up for anything I might want to pursue.  Basically pass on the animals for now.  If I go ahead with plans for horses and dogs I will trap myself on a piece of land where I wont be able to explore new places and things that interest me. Something that feels very important.   This is the battle I wage everyday… do I or do I not bring Pro home and get a dog?   A friend told me recently that they felt they may not be able to ride a horse in ten years.  This has been a fear of mine, that if I don’t stay aboard a horse that I wont be able to ride later if I choose horses again. So my goal has been to bring a horse home.   Yet what I really want to do is go dip in that ocean you see in the photo above, to swim with wild dolphins.  To work with raptors, to…

Having a horse or dog or whatever that needs a permanent home could wait a few more years when I’m tired of moving around and want to nest with my companions.   Also I can still go take riding lessons at some discipline I have always wanted to try. Did you know Parelli is based in Pagosa Springs?  Hell, I could drive over there and volunteer. With that said I need to consider Pro and Kathy.  I am so stressed out over what to do with him once he is here and how much it’s going to cost to get him here.  My mind is consumed with it – it’s apparent in my blog posts.  I get brave sometimes and spout off about all that I will do and that I can make it happen – which I can, but is my heart in it? I still feel pressured by my horse friends by being witness to their horses and their dreams goals that are not so unlike my own aspirations of the past.  I am in a phase of letting go of the past  and maybe I need to make this a complete severing of my comfort strings.  I know if someone were to walk into my life and bring horses with them that I would indulge myself once more in that lifestyle. But right now it’s about me and exploration of new adventures.  The last thing I want to do is trap myself in a town away from my comforts and friends and family just to have a couple pets.  I need to invest into me and new adventures and experiences.

For this insight I am grateful. For the process it has taken to get here, I’m grateful. For my friends who stand beside me and say it like it is, I am grateful!!  It is hard to let go, its hard to move on,  but I am a pioneer spirit and I see a horizon just over there…

I want to see what is over there on that horizon. I could ride my horse across that meadow, but what do I do with him once there? How do I house him, feed him, and have enough left over to prepare for the next journey?   This may disappoint some of my horse friends who were so anxious to see me BACK.  Well I’m not sure I will ever be back… as in back as I was before.  Who I was and what I aspired to then are no longer the same, I’m a very different person these days and I love who I am.
For who I have become, I am grateful. For who I will become, I am grateful.  For all of you…  I am grateful.

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October 28, 2010

The other night I was asked a question about  whether or not I would return to Arizona.  That question was qualified with “you love where you are“, and it is true I do love Silverton.  I love things about Silverton and I do intend on keeping my room here.  However from the beginning the reason for moving here was to be closer to Heather and the original plan was to move somewhere close by where I could have my horse more comfortably.  I’ve been thinking of Bayfield or Ridgeway, both of which would provide more work. Bayfield is about two hours away and Ridgeway about an hour and a half.  So Silverton was never meant to be my “home“.  What I love about this community is the old town buildings, the sense of living in the wilderness, a good many of the people. What I don’t like about it, is that most of those shops close up for the winter, a lot of bickering goes on in town that you cant escape from.  I miss a swimming pool,  I really am not fond of having to bundle up every time I go outside.  Opportunity has sprang up from this move and the lifestyle I have adopted and I love that part about living here.

When I think about it, Arizona has always been my first love, I never really wanted to leave her. What I wanted was to move to a cooler climate as in  maybe Payson, but the drive to get closer to Heather  had me looking at Show Low, Arizona, and places in New Mexico, and if you have followed this blog for any length of time you may have noticed that the trend then moved up to Mancos with the final destination, a last minute decision, being Silverton. Moving here was a logistic move and a financial one. It turned out to be a healing experience.  I have found beauty here in amazing bounty. But I do not find that Sultann Mountain or Kendall Mountain are more beautiful or awesome than the Superstition Mountains. The Sup’s, they were my home for 16 years. I miss the Sup’s. What I don’t miss is the smog, the cars, the people.  Those things bring tears to my eyes and thus unhappiness when I think of how they have overrun the home I loved for so long.

Would I ever return to Arizona…  maybe.  I find beauty wherever I am.  I think that if my life’s unfulfilled needs, those things I am researching about myself and for my peace, pleasure and well being, were to be bulstered  or brought to fruition by a move back to AZ, I would go.

I am certain that Heather will feel threatened by this knowledge.  The responsibility toward her heart’s feelings weighs heavy upon my own heart.  So if I ever took that journey regardless of where it might take me it would be with her in mind.  I would keep my room and remain present in her life.  Now Heather, don’t get all panicky, nothing is happening. I am not planning a move. I am quite content right here. I do have a future laying itself out before me though, and if it takes that turn, I may move.  Nothing is written in stone in life. Everything is always swirling around like  a pool of water and could change at any moment. I am the type of person who likes to move with the water and see what lays upon the shore just a little farther down stream. Which is how I viewed coming to Silverton and how I viewed moving to Arizona so many years ago.  Like another friend suggested today, I tend to be a bit of fish that way.  Swimming with the current…

Look at me!  I’m a neon fish.  I cant wait to see where this new life of mine takes me next.  Like Jonathan Livingston Seagull…  in the water or upon the wind… it really doesn’t matter. All I want to do is to continue exploring this kingdom called life with all the gusto I can manage.  I am so lucky to be in a place where I can venture wherever my heart takes me if I so choose. To celebrate my life in all of its completeness.

A celebration for which I am so grateful for.

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October 21, 2010

This Thankful Thursday I am grasping onto unfulfilled needs to carefully explore each one of them. Thankful that I am finally in a place where I can open myself up to them and allow them to  become all they are meant to be, or not.

Man what an exploration I have embarked upon.  I find myself thrust upon a journey of rough waters in open seas with no end.  Those who follow this blog no that I have fought tooth an nail to get to the place of joy I now reside in.  In doing so I have purposely let go of or stashed away certain needs, wants desires and dreams.  Knowing full well that some of those things were just tucked away in hopes an opportunity would arise to allow them to flourish.  The key is to let them lie dormant while I live my life freely unencumbered and full of adventure and joy.  Grasping onto simple pleasures as though they were monumental bliss. A friend has inadvertently sent me on a journey to find those things that I truly need and those that I have convinced myself that I need, or my wants.  So self exploration has commenced. Not that I had any intention of opening such doors as they allow demons to escape and play havoc with my place of contentment.  But I can beat them down now so bring it on.

I made a list of my needs.  Needs being things like security, food, shelter, the basic things that we need to survive as a being. Other needs such as being a close part of my daughters life, personal time for regrouping, healing or just exploring comfort. Feeling loved.  As I understand it needs fall into several categories those for physical survival and those for emotional, and spiritual survival.  Then our wants are things we can live without but they too can also be things that we need.  The feeling of being loved for example. We may want to be loved and can certainly live without love, but emotionally and even spiritually we may still need it for our emotional well being.

I found that I have somehow managed to land upon a place where most of my needs are met. Thus I am content and feel joy most of the time. I certainly see beauty in most things and that lifts me onto a plateau where I enjoy my life in a way most dream of. My list is quite simple I think. Each item on it could be expanded upon and the complexities revealed. But no need, it says enough as it is. My needs include:

Security
Shelter
Food
Clothing
Health
Honesty/truth/integrity
Pure open communication
Freedom with my animals
Freedom with my daughter
Freedom with my friends
Freedom with my work
Personal time (regroup/comfort)
To give for others benefit
Compassion and kindness
Gratefulness/expression
Adventure

I need these things in my life whether I am the cause or the effect.

In making my wants list I found that many of the things that I desire are things I actually need.  Companionship or a life partner would be nice.  Has not come to fruition thus far in my life, but I can only hope and keep myself open to the possibilities.  For some folks the need of a life partner is never met, I may be one of them.   It would not stop me from living or being happy but it will leave a void in my emotional and spiritual being. So yes it becomes a want that is in truth a need.  I wont list all  of  those needy little critters here as there are those things that are intimate to me.  So on my needs and wants document in Microsoft Word they are listed under unfulfilled needs and desires. But the actual wants list…  has six items on it and I’ll share them with you, they include:

Activity partner
(Ive always “wanted” an activity partner… someone who enjoys doing the same things and enjoys doing them with me. Krissy is really the closest thing I have had to that and yet it has not been all that easy for us because there has always been good distance or mileage between us.  My old neighbor was that for awhile. We use to talk horses, go look at them, and trek around checking horse related stuff. But it came to an end.)

Pretty clothes
(Well at times I was smart enough to keep my other expenses to a minimum so that I could enjoy nice clothes and such. Then I do something stupid like buy too many horses. Bad girl!)

Safe car
(The car I have now is safe enough, probably a safer car than most for driving in our snow and ice, but to take it on a trip would be suicide – for the car – and of course I “want” to travel.)

Safe home for my animals and I
(This is a hard one as I am not in a financial position to provide a home for animals. I live in a room (happily), but it’s all I can afford. That and possibly a pasture situation for Pro and that’s it. So yes in a way I will provide a safe home for us, but not on the same land.)

Health insurance
I have not had health insurance in over 15 years. Cannot afford it. I “want” to change that and have coverage in the near future.

Travel & exploration
(I am a free enough spirit to “want” to see things that are new to me and different from what I’m use to. To step outside my safety net and dance with a little danger from time to time.)

Do I need these things for my contentment and to have joy in my life? Nope. I was dumb founded on how small my wants list turned out to be. And on that list some of the things if I never have them will not affect my happiness in any way. The home for my animals could be an issue for me though. Or I just don’t have too many animals that I struggle to house them. That’s a choice of simplification which in itself creates happiness.

So I am facing my unfulfilled needs…  Holding my breath and trying to make sense of them.  Some of them I am not ready to make peace with or give up on. Some of them are as important to me as loving my daughter is.  I’ll never give up on loving her.

So here I go on a new journey…  A good journey of self exploration  and a good project for this long white winter and the possibilities of fulfillment of some of those illusive needs.

White Medicine…

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October 7, 2010

For those who are struggling…  (no need to define what kind of struggle, it’s different for all of us), I would like to offer a suggestion for self help…  Simplify.

Simply remove small tripping stones from your daily life. One here or there has potential to bring a sense of safety and relief from pressure.  Also brings to your struggle a sense of you being in charge having some small bit of control over what is seemingly being pressed upon you.

It appears that a lot of folks are going through some tough times this past couple of months. October being the  meanest of months for some.  Having had my turn at painful changes that seem to fall like boulders from somewhere unknown in the sky, I  would like to share that it comes to an end, and there is sunshine, refreshing water, and breathable air once you traverse to the other side.

How you get through your swamps of struggle will dramatically effect the quality of your life when you do finally emerge on the other side.  I encourage you to grasp onto something you can control something that is medicinal for you, therapeutic for you, and growth or forward moving. Something that makes you feel like you have a future before you.  Maybe that something is making time for regular massage or physical development, or cooking comfort food, or purging unnecessary objects from your home and your life.  Keep only those things essential to your well being or happiness.  Don’t be afraid to purge them as well. You may be surprised at how little you really need to be fabulously happy.

Core happiness comes from within… not from without.

For me it was gratitude.  Finding something to be grateful for, beginning with the most innate of things the most ethereal of things, the most simple of things.  Eventually I opened up to a broader scope of things to be thankful for.  Now I stand on a vast plain where every possible thing to be grateful for stands before me in plain sight to be reveled over,  right down to being available for those of you who are walking your path of struggles.

I highly encourage finding things to be grateful for.  Then start small. pebbles are much easier to maneuver than boulders.  Hug yourself and believe in yourself.

I BELIEVE IN YOU!

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