So…

I’m mulling over the idea of a new blog to commemorate not just having been reborn, but more importantly that I’m living my new life and about to  take off and soar.

I have a new dog, a standard chocolate poodle named Persia.  She is a delightful upbeat addition to my life.  I’m already learning so much from her.  She’s the best company ever!

I’m very close to owning my canoe, only a few more payments, and Persia and I will be out on the water this summer.  Finally!  Somewhere back in this blog I discuss what being out on water would mean to me.  Well I’m almost there(!), and I have the greatest companion ever  in Persia to share it with.

A beautiful Spanish mustang mare is coming to live with me in a few months, Her name is MP Cinnamon Spice.

She is a bay daughter of Ghost Warrior,  and out of Sequoya’s Creek Shawnee.  I wont be owning Cinnamon, at least not up front. I will be leasing her for two years with a goal of training her and getting a foal from her.  With the decision to lease Cinnamon, my life feels alive and full again.

Some crucial realizations have come to me the past few months.  For one, I am unable to walk away from my horse passion. Its just what makes me tick.  My desires have not changed.  Ive tried to open my heart, mind and soul to other possibilities, but they wain and pale to the machine that drives my love of horses.  Among those realizations I’ve been having are, I want a place with pasture, an age old dream, and  that I love genetics.  I love at least the dream of breeding horses. I’m going to breed I think. Maybe not on any real kind of scale, but I have ideas and direction again. Also my eyes have been opened to coverups, lies and unspoken suspicions.  I wont be fooled so easily again.  Mistakes made were made at a price I refuse to pay again. I will learn from them and turn them into positive guidelines for a successful future.

Its scary to try this again.  But I’m up for it!

So I’ll leave The Pony Expression for now as it is. Wow, that conjured up some emotion.

See ya around.  Hopefully you come along on my next journey and share in the exhilaration of it with me. You’ll have to come along if you want to know what the rest of the story is…. 

My freedom and independence sets up a scenario of spending much of my time alone  At times I make bad decisions based on my sense of loneliness.   Sometimes I just cry and fall asleep in agony.

I guess that’s why I am so loud in life…  because I need to touch people and be touched by them.  Good or bad.

I live alone and so it can become very silent in my life.  Silence can be painful sometimes.  Other times is blissful.  If you are a prisoner in a jail or institution designed to punish you know what sensory deprivation is and how cruel and  devastating it is to ones soul.  Living alone can be similar.

It is silent, hollow, and sometimes painful.

Most of the time its elating and wonderful to have such independence and freedom. To spend life in charge of ones time and outside input.   Bliss and Burn is much how I live my independent life.  Much like “Bliss“, the entertainer below depicts.

Someday I hope to share  my fiery lifestyle with a friend who can appreciate its nuances. In the meantime  I guess I’m destined to have those moments of silence that quake my soul.  It’s the price I pay for freedom.

Freedom escaping BLM roundup trap.  Not without a price as he breaks through wire designed to cut flesh, having fought his way over 6 foot metal panels designed to stop a raging bull.

Moments later… Freedom  having paid the price, experiencing the reward of…

…freedom…

Sometimes silence, and loneliness and paying the price is worth it.

Heather, Malcolm and I were taking the day off to adventure to Lake City for lunch and back via the 4 wheel drive  mountain pass road called the Alpine Loop which includes Cinnamon Pass and Engineer Pass. There was way too much information to take in about the hot spots along the 4 wheel road journey.  I have tried to remember most of it and validate names and locations, however I may have them out of order.

The idea is to take all of you on this trip with us so that you may enjoy it as we did.  Malcolm was born in Durango and raised in Silverton his whole life. He and his parents have been on almost every inch of the alpine peaks of the San Juan mountains that surround Silverton.  His family owned a jeeping excursion  company for years.  He was an impeccable guide.  Heather has learned much as well  in her ten years in Silverton and gave her own version  and flavor to the trip.

This trip begins at 10:30 am today June 24th, 2011, and ended at 6:30pm. Most of the photographs were taken while the jeep was moving. In other words we were bumping and swaying and lurching along.  Many photos were taken so that you may sit in the back seat with me and experience what I experienced as if you had taken the trip yourself.  This means that there may be reflections in the windows, possibly some blurriness, etc.  Most of the pics are just as the camera took them as there is hardly a place where the panorama isn’t just perfect as captured.

This is a photo heavy post.  I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me,  with Malcolm and Heather as our guides.

Leaving Silverton our first stop was Eureka where the original jail house still stands.  There were once around 500 hundred residents at this thriving mining  now ghost town. That’s the size of Silverton’s now year round residents.

Malcolm and Heather giving us the villain look from inside the old jail.

We passed a couple old mines along the way to Animas Forks, the ghost town that marks the spot where we start up into the passes.

Also along the way Mal and Heather pointed out two cabins that folks currently live in during the winters.  They ski up to them. Check this picture out – can you find the cabins?

Okay  I know not fair, try this cropped version of the same photo.

Now do you see them?  Okay I’ll make a closer cropped version of the same photo.

About now? Yes one is on the far right and the other is up in the saddle on the far left.  The left one looks like a rock almost with a smaller out building  just to its left almost dead center in the saddle.  Now go back and check out the first pic. That’s WAY up there!

After  the mines, cabins, jail houses, and Animas Forks

Animas Forks – this photo was actually taken on our way back down on the way home.  On the way up we drove right through the ghost town but my photos didn’t turn out.  On the way back Malcolm and Heather were discussing the Walsh House. Mr. Walsh who bought the home was the last private owner of the Hope Diamond which he purchased for his daughters birthday present.  Now how’s that for history?  All the way out in the vast primitive mountains of Colorado.  If you look to the middle/right of the photo you will see a building by the road.  Here it is cropped out.

Yep that’s the Walsh House of Animas Forks Colorado.  Amazing!

So then off we go up Cinnamon Pass toward Lake City.  Along the way we spied…

…tundra, flowers, snow and a pool. Then as we managed to traverse to the top of Cinnamon we spied apline tundra and stopped to read the sign that tells about it.

Then more tundra…

…and the top of Cinnamon.

That’s 12, 640 ft!

As  we head down we get a beautiful view of American Basin.

As we drove down into Lake City the terrain changed completely. But before that happened we came to a place called Burrows Park which was renamed White Cross for a strain of white quartz that was found in its natural state forming a cross.  The town had a population of around 300 people, with a post office, blacksmith, and other town necessities.  What you see is what’s left…

A beautiful waterfall running down the mountain face and under the snow.  There are no buildings left in White Cross.

Next we came upon a doe who had no worries in the world as she stood there eating grass until we honked our horn to get her to look up so that I could take her smiling picture.

Before we get to Lake City we pass by the lake (San Cristobal) that the community was named for.

This is tiny section of this huge lake.  If you look real close you can see two kayaks  just at the left edge of the photo. One is red and the other is yellow.

Next stop Lake City and the best calazone’s ever!!

We found a building here that reminded me much of the building I live in, the Benson Hotel.  It’s apparent the architecture that was appreciated in the days these building were built.

After a nice lunch, we were off toward Engineer Pass and the second part of our day long Alpine Loop.  But first he drove through some beautiful  rock outcroppings.

After which Malcolm and I hiked down a short steep path to take a picture of  this water fall that comes out of the side of a mountain.

I cant remember if this was before after the waterfall, but we also stopped to view this rushing river.

Exquisite, yes?

And up we go…

Soon we were seeing sights such as this.  Water running under the snow and then looking up on the other side of the jeep we see this.

Mind boggling  don’t you think.  But wait… we haven’t seen anything yet.  Everything so far as just been a teaser.

Next we come to White Death a mine that was re-named after its demise. Destroyed by Avalanche. This actually may have been before the last pics.. But it doesn’t matter, it’s all breathtaking and awe inspiring.  If Mal were here or even Heather they’d be correcting me for accuracy and chastising me for messing some minute thing up.  They should be tour guides.

Ummm… we start climbing, and if you look through Mal’s jeeps sun roof, you see we are just a spec on this mountain with snow towering over us.  This is late June and this is still a lot of snow for this time of year.

This was my/our view.

This is just before we reached Engineer Pass’s summit.  You think that’s it huh… nope.

Then we received a treat from Mother Earth.  The top of the world. Hold on  to your horses folks, she is breathtaking.

Way over there……….  is Utah!

Heather and Mal at the lookout at Engineer Pass.

The lookout at Engineer pass. No words…

Then back down we go… What more snow?

After a long  bumpy drive down Engineer we find ourselves back at Animas Forks and then past there the beautiful valley that marks home is near.

On the way home we ran across this little guy…  Can you see the marmot?

How about now?

Cute little guy… most locals distaste these critters because they crawl into your cars if you leave parked to hike and chew your wiring.  So there is a feud going on between marmots and man. I’d say from the marmot population that they are winning.
With that we say this was one fabulous day. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

The other day at a Hafla  with the Caldera Belly Dancers sisterhood we read a goddess card for each sister.  Mine turned out to be Bast the Egyptian Goddess of Independence and Pleasure.  The main message was to remain true to my Independence.

Translated into cat behavior for us to more easily see Basts power…

From Shamanism: Cat, Power Animal, Symbol of Wholeness, Independence, Curiosity, Many Lives, Cleverness, Love, Mystery, Magic

By Ina Woolcott

In Egypt cats were treated like royalty and were always given special privileges. The Egyptian Goddess Bastet takes the form of a cat. Due to their x-ray vision, acute hearing and high intelligence they were used throughout history as guardians and protectors. In ancient Egypt, cats guarded the temple gates and were used to fend off evil. In Scandinavia the cat was used to represent fertility. The cat is associated with the Norse Goddess of Fertility Freya, and the Hindu Goddess of Childbirth, Shasthi. It is also a symbol of childbirth in India. Witches, in days long gone, were believed to have the ability to shape shift into cats. It was also believed that cats were their familiars.

Cats are extremely independent and combine a high degree of sensuality with a deeply psychic and spiritual nature. It is impossible to own a cat.

They may allow you to take care of them and give them love, but only on their terms. Cats come and go as and when they wish to.

Cat’s medicine includes independence, unpredictability, healing, curiosity, many lives, magic, mystery, cleverness, the ability to fight when cornered, seeing the unseen.

Allows us to dream its dreams and protection. Love is represented by the cat.

Cats have more rods in the retinas of their eyes which enable them to see very well in the dark. Darkness is often associated with mankind’s fears. Since the cat is at home in the dark, it is a highly valuable ally into the world of the supernatural and the unknown. If cat is your power animal, you may have found an excellent assistant in moving through your fears.

If cat appears in your life the blending of magic and mystery is close by. Like the cat, you too are independent and a free thinker. At night you probably feel energized. You will stay with a person or situation until you are bored – and then you’re off again looking for something more interesting. Cat encourages agility in both body and mind. You will be presented with new ideas and places. The cat gives you clearer perception. You have good organizational skills. The cat teaches us that the physical and spiritual worlds are not separate, but one, and is a good assistant for meditation. A resourceful, strong and fearless spirit guide lending you courage and confidence. Examine the colors, character and behavior of the cat that has entered your life. Everything about it will be mirrored in your own life.

The energy field of a cat rotates is a counter-clockwise direction, which is the opposite of a human energy field. Thus, cats have the ability to absorb and neutralize energy that affects humans in a negative way. This is part of the cats healing medicine. If something is affecting you in a negative way, place a cat on your lap or find a cat to pet. Your energy field will be realigned immediately and inner balance will be restored.

Cat is a trustworthy teacher, guiding you into the world of self discovery and transformation.

Below are some descriptions of Bast and what she desires of us.

From Spiritual Egypt: The Goddess Bast had two facets, she was fierce, but like a mother she was nurturing, she was an ancient Egyptian Goddess a beautiful woman but portrayed with the head of a cat. Bast is subconsciously the sensuous symbol of our longing, our holy desire. Her cat feline nature entices and beckons us to give expression to our desire nature and to go in search of our holy longing. She invites us to go deeper into our own body so that the kundalini flame might be awakened, for it is only when the fire of life is strong that change can happen. When Bast comes to us, she brings with her the invitation to move through the portals of death and rebirth, so that we might open to the next incarnation of our life here on Earth.

Next Bast calls us to come play…  don’t live life too seriously. WOW how much like me is that?!

From Goddess Realm: Goddess of playfulness, Bast beckons you to come play with her!

Bast’s arrival is an indication that your life has become too serious and focused. It is time to create a playful diversion to recapture the era of your youth. Bast tells you to seek out a playful amusement, for no profit or gain, simply recreational fun.

Has play become a low priority of life for you? Do you remember how to play like the child? Do you experience joy on a regular basis? Can you laugh heartily or break into a fit of giggles? Are you fearful of what others might think if you gave up your seriousness?

There is more to life than work and being serious. The Goddess reminds us that playfulness releases us from our static and rigid existence. Play opens up our hearts to joy and simplicity, the very essence of our being.

Think now, how can you recapture the fun and laughter of your childhood? Recreate play now for personal empowerment.

Now a little detail about Bast.

From Goddess Gift.com: Bast, Goddess of Protection and Pleasure

Bast Egyptian Goddess of sensual pleasure, protector of the household, bringer of health, and the guardian saint of firefighters — she was the original mistress of multi-tasking!

Also called Bastet or Basthet, the goddess Bast is widely known today as the “Cat Goddess”. Legend has it that, by day, Bast would ride through the sky with her father, the sun god Ra, his boat pulling the sun through the sky.

Ever watchful, she protected Ra from his enemies. Thus she became known as the Lady of the East, the Goddess of the Rising Sun, and  The Sacred and All-Seeing Eye.

But by night, she was a different creature entirely! Bast transformed herself into a cat (renown for its superb night vision) to guard her father from Apep (also known as Apophis), a serpent who was her father’s greatest enemy.

Ra’s priests burned wax models of the snake and wrote his name with green ink, trying to put a “hex” on him — but to no avail. Finally, with her cat eyes shining in the dark, she managed to kill the evil serpent.

Credited with killing the vile Apep, the goddess Bast ensured the warmth of the sun would continue to bless the delta of the Nile with fertile soil and abundant crops and was honored as a goddess of fertility.

Because of her all-seeing sacred eye (called the utchat) that magically saw through the dark, Bast is one of the few sun goddesses that is also classified as a moon goddess…with her glowing cat’s eye reminding us of the moon that it reflects.

One of the most ancient of the Egyptian goddesses, she is depicted as a slender woman having the head of a domestic cat. Sometimes she is shown holding a sistrum, a rattle used as a musical instrument in ancient times. Agile and lithe, Bast was recognized as the goddess of music and dance.

The worship of began around 3,500 B.C.E., before the invention of writing.  In 950 B.C.E. it became the ‘national religion’ when her hometown, Baubastis, became the capitol of Egypt.

Her shrine in Baubastis, fashioned from blocks of pink granite and the lengthy entrance lined with enormous trees, was considered to be one of the most beautiful temples in the world.

The grounds of the templeheld an extensive cat cemetery, where her beloved companions after being mummified, were entombed so they could join Bast in the spirit world.

Cats were honored in the temples of Bast and many felines were in permanent residence there. If a local house caught on fire, the cats would be dispatched to run into the flames, drawing them out of the building. (History’s first record of a fire brigade!)

Undoubtedly many returned to the temple a bit singed, but as heroes of the townspeople. Any unfortunate kitty who perished in the undertaking would be restored to life by the goddess This is possibly the source of the belief that cats have nine lives.

Consistent with her cat-like image and her status as a fertility goddess, Bast was associated with childbirth, perhaps because of the mother cat’s continuous production of litters and the loving way she fiercely defends and cares for her kittens.

As a gentler, more benevolent, evolution of the lion-headed goddess Sekhmet, her violent and bloody sister who could bring plagues, the goddess Bast could be invoked to prevent the spread of illness.

Most households contained a small statue of Bast as a form of household protection. The All-Seeing Eye, to ward off thieves. . . as the Cat Goddess, to keep the house free of snakes. . . and as the healer to ward off infectious diseases.

An amulet with the utchat (all-seeing eye) hung over the door deterred thieves and vandals, placed over the mantel it averted illness, worn around the neck it protected you as you traveled. An amulet featuring a mother cat with several kittens suckling or playing at her feet was often given as a wedding present to a bride, invoking the help of the goddess to insure that a woman would be able to conceive and bear children.

Bast, more than any other of the Egyptian goddesses was perceived as a protector and friend of women and young children. It is hardly surprising that the ancient Greeks referred to Bast as “The Egyptian Artemis”.

Does this goddess sound like a gal that the phrase “sex kitten” would be invented for? Hardly!  But, of course, there is more to the story than we’ve told so far; we saved the juicy parts for last.

For starters, one of the oldest versions of the goddess Bast was known by the name ‘Pasht’, from which our word passion was derived. (And from which the English term “Puss” may have arisen.)

Her name itself shares the hieroglyph of a bas-jar, a large pottery jar, usually filled with expensive perfume, a valuable commodity in a hot climate. Indeed, her son Nefertem, a sun god, became the Egyptian god of alchemy and perfumes.

It’s not surprising she had a reputation, since she herself had three husbands and was acknowledged as a sexual partner of every god.

The rituals performed in her temples, designed for healing, protection, and insuring fertility, were decidedly sensual, full of music and dancing The priestesses of Bast, dressed in “her color” which was red, and were the first “strippers”, famous for their erotic dancing.

Many festivals were held in her honor, and they tended to be quite rowdy affairs. During the major festival, thousands of men and women (children weren’t invited) traveled on barges down the river to Baubastis, drinking and partying mightily.

With loud music, women shaking their rattles, others gyrating in dance, and some lifting their skirts while making lewd comments to the townspeople lined up on the riverbank to watch the procession, the feasts of Bast may have been a precursor to the Mardi Gras and Carnivale. Some think that it is even the basis for the word “floats” that describe the decorated rides in a parade.

The Egyptian goddess Bast reminds us of all that is feline and feminine.  Her gifts, very cat-like in nature, include the refusal to be at everyone’s beck and call and an insistence on the freedom of expression.

She teaches us to relax and never waste energy, reminding us to luxuriate in beauty, perfume, and to sway in graceful movement. Bast refuses to take anything too seriously.

But most importantly, Bast leads us to accept the true nature of things (ourselves included) and helps us remain unswayed by the opinion of others.

Curled up like a cat lying in the sun, the goddess Bast forms a complete circle . . . a symbol of the eternal.

I am very amazed at how many facets of Bast really do describe me to a T.  How much of my life reflects her presence.  I’m not one to get all hung up on deities, but I am truly much like this one in my life’s journey.  Right down to three husbands… independence… protector… healer…   sensuality is something I adore, unpredictable is my middle name.  Never chose this route just ended up here. I live outside the human box.  Loving every minute of it!

…and I love this…

From Her Speak: MEOW MEOW – get your BAST out!

Hello Cupcakes! I was inspired to make this Bast journal entry after a strange cat-nap dream. It was perfect since I’ve been feeling sort of feline lately: moody, stretching and yawning. Bast, the Egyptian cat goddess, is the embodiment of independence, gracefulness and ferocity. Want to tap into your Bast abilities?

[1] Stretch out on the sofa and nap in the sun until you’re damn well ready to wake up, and then demand someone feed you. Immediately.

[2] Cat eyes are the war paint of the smitten kitten world. Never worn them? Check out this tutorial.

[3] Bast was a warrior queen and fierce protectress. Defend what is yours! Your time, your energy, and your passions and your snacks are all valuable–safeguard them. Pull out the claws!

[4] Kitties are washing themselves in polite company constantly–take a bubble bath with the window open.

[5] Cats and Queens don’t come when they are called–they come when they’re good and ready. Don’t feel like answering the phone? Don’t feel like wasting makeup on people that bum you out and bring you down? Don’t feel like entertaining conversation that grinds your gears? Time to exercise the classic Cat Snub!

[6] Not getting the attention you deserve at work and home? Start the conversation by knocking everything off the counter. Or try the direct approach and start ripping up newspapers and sitting on laps. Impressions are important.

How do you get in touch with your kitten sensibilities?

Has Matthew got it or what?!

Duncan  is very close to my favorite… He’s just a superbly put together really nice package…

Love both of these dudes!

Have no idea who this is but I’m all over all that hair!

Speaking of hair. Yes I find the Beast some kind of erotic.

My sense of danger and adventure has me salivating over Armand! Bite me!

…and who hasn’t fallen in love with Robin Hood?!  The good bad boy…

Neither of these dudes are my ideal.. but you gotta love ‘em right?  Where would we be without Conan the Barbarian and  Captain Jack Sparrow?

Hugh… where is my heart? In my throat I think!  This dude makes me gasp!

I have a major thing for bad boys!  The bad of the bad – I love Russel Crowe to death!  I hope he never stops being the tough guy that all tough guys aspire to achieve.  I could just  throw the biggest smackeroon on his face!

Yummm…  Dangerous! 

I have spent some time researching angling kayaks, canoes and kayak canoe crossovers.  I have to admit I prefer the crossover version of an angling kayak canoe.  The price though I’m not so hot on.  My first preference would be a two seater…options you know for spending quality time with friends and family.  Again cost and size kinda took that idea out of reach. I have to be able to put this thing on top of my car by myself and my car is a small subaru legacy. Unless I can find a used one, I’m not getting my two seater fishing vessel.

So this was my first compromise  – a solo seater and my favorite  crossover kayak the Commander 120.

Gorgeous yes?!!  Her specs are 12′L, 30.25W  with a capacity of 400 lbs, and she weighs 60 lbs.  Just love the lines of this fishing kayak canoe crossover.  It has lines reminiscent of a canoe with the  mobility of a kayak.  At $1000.00 before shipping I’m thinking this one too is not meant for me.

…sigh.

I’m not to be discouraged though..  Look at what I found!

This is the Ascend FS12T Sit On Top Anglers Kayak.  Her specs are 12′L x 31”W, she weighs 56 lbs with a 350 lb capacity.  The best part is with shipping she will cost under $600.00.  She is not as elegant as the Commander 120, but she is still beautiful in her own right.

So the stage is set.   By end of summer 2011 I will have my fishing vessel.  Since I was young I have always wanted a canary yellow catamaran with a silver sale.  Her name was to be CatSing.  Well CatSing never happened because I traded the dream of her for a life with horses.

I’m thinking my kayak will be named CatSing in honor of my happiness, renewing  old dreams, and living new dreams. Susan Catt singing in the breeze and maybe not sailing the sea…  maybe just paddling across a serene lake in Southwest Colorado…

CatSing…

What does that mean? It means, that if I see myself in a situation that is too perfect, or too correct, or with too  many labels, rules, restraints, I begin to feel smothered, and something inside of me comes crashing out and I burst through any walls, fences, or armory that is intended to contain me.  I’ve been this way my entire life.  Some people who would prefer that I remain neatly contained within forms that they find comfortable in – label me.  Impossible, jaded, liberal, unconventional, and host of other things that make them feel normal.  I don’t do boxes.  I live my life fully outside of the box wherever I can get away with it.  The goal is to live as fully and experience as much in life as I possibly can and that requires a willingness to take adventure by the horns, make mistakes, stumble… take risks.  Then not get all hung up if the journey didn’t pan out as I might have preferred.

I DON’T DO NUMBERS…

Numbers are just another way to box oneself in.  I have so many of this or not enough of that. I’m this heavy or this skinny, I’m this old or that young. I’m worth this much or not worth enough.  Nope not for me.  People are either quality or some where between quality and lacking quality.  What they have, how old they are, etc means nothing to me.  I wont judge a person based on their numbers, but rather on their character.  Thus I cultivate people from all age groups, all weight groups, all monetary worth or lack of groups, people from every walk of life – if they have a certain quality.  Then I respect them for who they are, and hold them close as equal beings in this journey called life.

I CHALLENGE PEOPLE…

To break free of their self imposed small world and societal bonds.  To live a little freer, experience a bigger more vast life. To challenge their beliefs and any other crutches that hold them back from living and experiencing life fully.  Take a chance, break free of the demons and structures that keep them from fully exploring the adventure life offers.  Feel the thrill, get lost in it, suck in a gasping breath and…

…plunge!

THEN FLY!

I wish you’d come fly with me….

Sitting one 1970 summer day on the lawn in front of Grandmas house with Stephen my neighbor.  He had just had his head shaved by his dad and was upset.  His family were  Jehovah Witnesses and he was explaining how they wanted him to live.  I remember tears in his eyes…  He took out a knife from his pocket and made a  tiny slit in both our palms we  became blood brother and sister that day.

(This photo reminds me of him)

Later a year or two, he became my protector keeping me safe from the other boys in town. He was my first boyfriend.  The boy next door. In my eyes he was beautiful. He had long wavy brown hair that nearly reached his belt, brown eyes that were soft, warm and always smiling. Steve had a smile that made you feel like the sun would never stop shining.  We used to  talk  for hours about deep and meaningful things, and he was always teaching me about the world even though he was two years younger than me.

One day as we got older he found a new girlfriend while we remained friends. He never truly let go of me, nor I of him.  Until one day a mistake was made, and we both were hurt.  It wasn’t long after, that I never saw him again.

All of my life I have loved him as my best friend, brother, and lover.  I tried to find  Stephen a few years back and was told by a mutual friend his life had gone wrong.  Now it’s believed he is gone from us here on earth, and I cant accept it.  I can’t find proof, I need to know.  He’s always been there, somewhere…  in  my heart I always knew he was out there somewhere and that made it okay.  I don’t even have a photo of him.  He was just a boy the last time I saw him.  The above photo captures something of what he was like and times I remember with him.

Where are you Stephen?

This is kind of  an emotional Thankful Thursday… but I want to thank you Stephen for being the love of my life…  we’re still bloodkin no matter where you are and I will always hold you dear.

(Clare Lynn – Interactive Light Art Photography – exquisite perceptions of light.)

My last post was about letting go and letting life! Well as it turns out since that post I have had the pretty little house I talked about fall out of my reach, the fat cat is going back to his owner who returned 1 and 1/2 years early from Thailand. I feel good! I have three jobs… summer looks good for paying off some debts. I’m beginning to think of how I want to shape my future. Not letting go of letting life… just giving life a direction and see where it ends up. Part of me wants to change up life’s direction every few years so that I don’t wake up someday mired down in one limited life experience.

Someone recently passed a thought past me that brought about a flood of insights. One of the things I’ve always fought against in life was being stereotyped. Shoved into a category. So when it comes to common thought on any one topic I generally sit outside the bucket or find myself jumping from one bucket of ideals to another. My beliefs are broad and varied and change with any number of new input.

It hit me today that because of my broad vista manner of viewing the world, I am free-er than most people that I know. I try sometimes to impart this freedom to those who I care about only to be faced with stone walls of rejection. I’ve had to learn to grasp onto my own joy – live it fully and not get weighed down by others choice to not join me.

(Douglas Van Howd Studios – Speaking of art and beauty in nature – check out Douglas Van Howd’s gorgeous Sculptures!)

Everyday I become more and more the butterfly girl of my youth. Care none, live with glee and passion. Always there for those who seek or need. I’m not though, willing to be a crutch.

I’m an empath have been my whole life… I learn via osmosis. I communicate everywhere I can silently and with whoever I can silently. I use to think it a handicap as in conversations I’m not the best linguist. But that would mean fitting into one of those buckets, wouldn’t it? Not for me! To let go of my inherent ability to feel and see the nature of others around me via my innate sense would be losing myself. Would be my life’s worst tragedy.

Because of my many bucket broad vista, adventurous, empathic nature, I avoid controversy, and other stressful situations. I don’t see a need for putting myself through an unpleasant experience. It was suggested to me that much could be gleaned from the interactive nature of controversy. That is very true. As an observer though with no agenda one can learn just as much and maybe accept more of what is being shared due to being open. As opposed to being defensive of ones own ideals.

All of a sudden I’m just one very happy girl with a very bright future… accepting who I am, snuggling up with me…

I wish for everyone that they find in their own unique way that place in their own unique being that brings so much joy and pleasure to be themselves.