October 28, 2010

The other night I was asked a question about  whether or not I would return to Arizona.  That question was qualified with “you love where you are“, and it is true I do love Silverton.  I love things about Silverton and I do intend on keeping my room here.  However from the beginning the reason for moving here was to be closer to Heather and the original plan was to move somewhere close by where I could have my horse more comfortably.  I’ve been thinking of Bayfield or Ridgeway, both of which would provide more work. Bayfield is about two hours away and Ridgeway about an hour and a half.  So Silverton was never meant to be my “home“.  What I love about this community is the old town buildings, the sense of living in the wilderness, a good many of the people. What I don’t like about it, is that most of those shops close up for the winter, a lot of bickering goes on in town that you cant escape from.  I miss a swimming pool,  I really am not fond of having to bundle up every time I go outside.  Opportunity has sprang up from this move and the lifestyle I have adopted and I love that part about living here.

When I think about it, Arizona has always been my first love, I never really wanted to leave her. What I wanted was to move to a cooler climate as in  maybe Payson, but the drive to get closer to Heather  had me looking at Show Low, Arizona, and places in New Mexico, and if you have followed this blog for any length of time you may have noticed that the trend then moved up to Mancos with the final destination, a last minute decision, being Silverton. Moving here was a logistic move and a financial one. It turned out to be a healing experience.  I have found beauty here in amazing bounty. But I do not find that Sultann Mountain or Kendall Mountain are more beautiful or awesome than the Superstition Mountains. The Sup’s, they were my home for 16 years. I miss the Sup’s. What I don’t miss is the smog, the cars, the people.  Those things bring tears to my eyes and thus unhappiness when I think of how they have overrun the home I loved for so long.

Would I ever return to Arizona…  maybe.  I find beauty wherever I am.  I think that if my life’s unfulfilled needs, those things I am researching about myself and for my peace, pleasure and well being, were to be bulstered  or brought to fruition by a move back to AZ, I would go.

I am certain that Heather will feel threatened by this knowledge.  The responsibility toward her heart’s feelings weighs heavy upon my own heart.  So if I ever took that journey regardless of where it might take me it would be with her in mind.  I would keep my room and remain present in her life.  Now Heather, don’t get all panicky, nothing is happening. I am not planning a move. I am quite content right here. I do have a future laying itself out before me though, and if it takes that turn, I may move.  Nothing is written in stone in life. Everything is always swirling around like  a pool of water and could change at any moment. I am the type of person who likes to move with the water and see what lays upon the shore just a little farther down stream. Which is how I viewed coming to Silverton and how I viewed moving to Arizona so many years ago.  Like another friend suggested today, I tend to be a bit of fish that way.  Swimming with the current…

Look at me!  I’m a neon fish.  I cant wait to see where this new life of mine takes me next.  Like Jonathan Livingston Seagull…  in the water or upon the wind… it really doesn’t matter. All I want to do is to continue exploring this kingdom called life with all the gusto I can manage.  I am so lucky to be in a place where I can venture wherever my heart takes me if I so choose. To celebrate my life in all of its completeness.

A celebration for which I am so grateful for.

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October 21, 2010

This Thankful Thursday I am grasping onto unfulfilled needs to carefully explore each one of them. Thankful that I am finally in a place where I can open myself up to them and allow them to  become all they are meant to be, or not.

Man what an exploration I have embarked upon.  I find myself thrust upon a journey of rough waters in open seas with no end.  Those who follow this blog no that I have fought tooth an nail to get to the place of joy I now reside in.  In doing so I have purposely let go of or stashed away certain needs, wants desires and dreams.  Knowing full well that some of those things were just tucked away in hopes an opportunity would arise to allow them to flourish.  The key is to let them lie dormant while I live my life freely unencumbered and full of adventure and joy.  Grasping onto simple pleasures as though they were monumental bliss. A friend has inadvertently sent me on a journey to find those things that I truly need and those that I have convinced myself that I need, or my wants.  So self exploration has commenced. Not that I had any intention of opening such doors as they allow demons to escape and play havoc with my place of contentment.  But I can beat them down now so bring it on.

I made a list of my needs.  Needs being things like security, food, shelter, the basic things that we need to survive as a being. Other needs such as being a close part of my daughters life, personal time for regrouping, healing or just exploring comfort. Feeling loved.  As I understand it needs fall into several categories those for physical survival and those for emotional, and spiritual survival.  Then our wants are things we can live without but they too can also be things that we need.  The feeling of being loved for example. We may want to be loved and can certainly live without love, but emotionally and even spiritually we may still need it for our emotional well being.

I found that I have somehow managed to land upon a place where most of my needs are met. Thus I am content and feel joy most of the time. I certainly see beauty in most things and that lifts me onto a plateau where I enjoy my life in a way most dream of. My list is quite simple I think. Each item on it could be expanded upon and the complexities revealed. But no need, it says enough as it is. My needs include:

Security
Shelter
Food
Clothing
Health
Honesty/truth/integrity
Pure open communication
Freedom with my animals
Freedom with my daughter
Freedom with my friends
Freedom with my work
Personal time (regroup/comfort)
To give for others benefit
Compassion and kindness
Gratefulness/expression
Adventure

I need these things in my life whether I am the cause or the effect.

In making my wants list I found that many of the things that I desire are things I actually need.  Companionship or a life partner would be nice.  Has not come to fruition thus far in my life, but I can only hope and keep myself open to the possibilities.  For some folks the need of a life partner is never met, I may be one of them.   It would not stop me from living or being happy but it will leave a void in my emotional and spiritual being. So yes it becomes a want that is in truth a need.  I wont list all  of  those needy little critters here as there are those things that are intimate to me.  So on my needs and wants document in Microsoft Word they are listed under unfulfilled needs and desires. But the actual wants list…  has six items on it and I’ll share them with you, they include:

Activity partner
(Ive always “wanted” an activity partner… someone who enjoys doing the same things and enjoys doing them with me. Krissy is really the closest thing I have had to that and yet it has not been all that easy for us because there has always been good distance or mileage between us.  My old neighbor was that for awhile. We use to talk horses, go look at them, and trek around checking horse related stuff. But it came to an end.)

Pretty clothes
(Well at times I was smart enough to keep my other expenses to a minimum so that I could enjoy nice clothes and such. Then I do something stupid like buy too many horses. Bad girl!)

Safe car
(The car I have now is safe enough, probably a safer car than most for driving in our snow and ice, but to take it on a trip would be suicide – for the car – and of course I “want” to travel.)

Safe home for my animals and I
(This is a hard one as I am not in a financial position to provide a home for animals. I live in a room (happily), but it’s all I can afford. That and possibly a pasture situation for Pro and that’s it. So yes in a way I will provide a safe home for us, but not on the same land.)

Health insurance
I have not had health insurance in over 15 years. Cannot afford it. I “want” to change that and have coverage in the near future.

Travel & exploration
(I am a free enough spirit to “want” to see things that are new to me and different from what I’m use to. To step outside my safety net and dance with a little danger from time to time.)

Do I need these things for my contentment and to have joy in my life? Nope. I was dumb founded on how small my wants list turned out to be. And on that list some of the things if I never have them will not affect my happiness in any way. The home for my animals could be an issue for me though. Or I just don’t have too many animals that I struggle to house them. That’s a choice of simplification which in itself creates happiness.

So I am facing my unfulfilled needs…  Holding my breath and trying to make sense of them.  Some of them I am not ready to make peace with or give up on. Some of them are as important to me as loving my daughter is.  I’ll never give up on loving her.

So here I go on a new journey…  A good journey of self exploration  and a good project for this long white winter and the possibilities of fulfillment of some of those illusive needs.

White Medicine…

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Yma Sumac was the most influential woman of my life outside of family members, not because of her life or how she lived it or her accomplishments.   Yma captivated me with her exquisite exotic beauty, her proud carriage which reminded me of how I felt about myself, and her unfathomably exotic voice.

I spent most every weekend with my Grandmother who had Yma Sumac’s album,”Voice of Xtabay”, where I would sit for hours listening to her voice, staring at her picture in wonderment of how any being could be so beautiful.  Somewhere there is a photograph of me in my Grandmothers back yard holding myself in replica of Yma’s noble manner, as if I were standing among women like her…   I was maybe 17 years old, if that, having grown up with Yma in my life since I could remember, the model which I tried to emulate.

I identified with her mostly though through her primal voice… One that told stories languages that I could not understand, but I understood the stories. Because they spoke to me through Earth’s sounds and animal voices. Sometimes filling me up so profoundly that I could not catch my breath.  Her voice was not something you can put words too or even wrap your mind around.  It was something you felt deep within, something dancing delicately upon your breath…  Carrying you somewhere that only your most intimate being could relate to.

Video of Yma singing Chuncho

Below is an account of Yma Sumac’s life for those who would like to venture there.  She died in 2008 at age 86.

Yma Sumac, a Peruvian folk entertainer with an astonishing vocal range who surged to fame in the 1950s with an “Incan princess” mystique that captivated millions of record-buyers in search of exotic sounds, died of cancer Nov. 1 at an assisted living facility in the Silver Lake section of Los Angeles.

She was believed to be 86, according to personal assistant Damon Devine, who said he had seen the birth certificate.

Nearly every biographical aspect of Ms. Sumac’s life was long in dispute, including her age, her town of birth and her ancestral claims that on her mother’s side she was a descendant of the last Incan emperor, Atahualpa.

Fueled by an intensive publicity machine, the rumors grew so thick at one point that she was jokingly rumored to be a “nice Jewish girl from Brooklyn” who had merely reversed her name, Amy Camus.

Ms. Sumac (pronounced EEE-maw SUE-mack) thrived during a postwar period of American music when the exotic was hip and the composer Eden Ahbez (“Nature Boy”) was briefly in vogue.

Los Angeles Times music critic Don Heckman once called Ms. Sumac “a living, breathing, Technicolor musical fantasy — a kaleidoscopic illusion of MGM exotica come to life in an era of practicality.”

Onstage and off, Ms. Sumac adopted a regal poise and stretched back her raven hair to make her haughty cheekbones even more pronounced. She was fond of flamboyant clothing often laden with gold and silver jewelry, and she spoke of her musical influences among jungle animals.

“At night in my bedroom I hear the whoo-whoo of the little birds and I hear the dogs barking very sad,” she told People magazine. “That’s what I put in my records. I don’t bark bow-wow, but I bark whoo, and I sing like the birdies.”

As an interpreter of Andean folk-influenced songs, her voice sailed, growled, roared and yelped effortlessly across four octaves — from bass to soprano to coloratura soprano. She was adept at mimicking animal calls, from toucans to jaguars, and one never knew where she would dot melody with quick, piercing high-D notes.

“She’s either got a whistle in her throat or three nightingales up her sleeve,” said a bassist with whom she recorded early in her career.

Composer Virgil Thomson found her voice “impeccable” and recommended her for “the great houses of opera.”

Ms. Sumac extended her heyday through the late 1950s with albums for Capitol Records, selling hundreds of thousands of copies.

After headlining in Las Vegas and touring internationally, Ms. Sumac drifted into obscurity by the 1970s. Her older recordings popped up on film soundtracks, ensuring that her sound, if not her name, remained in the popular consciousness.

Zoila Augusta Emperatriz Chavárri del Castillo was born Sept. 13, 1922, possibly in the Andean community of Ichocán. Ms. Sumac said she was self-taught and developed great discipline in breathing technique.

She caught the attention of Moisés Vivanco, a musicologist and composer from Lima, and they married in 1942. She joined his 46-member troupe of Indian singers and dancers, became a presence on South American radio and began recording folk music under the name Imma Sumack.

In 1946, Ms. Sumac and her husband started a folk trio that mostly played on the Borscht Belt circuit and the back room of a Greenwich Village delicatessen. Her breakthrough was a 1950 engagement at the Hollywood Bowl, which attracted record and film executives.

Her subsequent album, “Voice of the Xtabay” (1950), sold more than 500,000 copies. (The “Xtabay” of the album title was fabricated as an Incan word.)

Other albums followed, including “Mambo!” (1954), with fiery arrangements by Billy May, and “Fuego del Ande” (1959). Many of the songs were composed by her husband and based on Andean folk themes, even if purists found them less than authentic.

She played an Arab princess in a short-lived Broadway musical “Flahooley” (1951) and appeared in the Hollywood films “Secret of the Incas” (1954) with Charlton Heston and “Omar Khayyam” (1957) with Cornel Wilde.

By the early 1960s, her popularity in the United States was waning, but she made a triumphant tour of the Soviet Union in 1961 — Nikita Khrushchev reputedly was a fan — and cultivated a small but devoted following in Asia, Europe and Latin America.

A comeback album of rock music, “Miracles” (1971), had a limited release, and her appearance on David Letterman’s late-night show in 1987 was greeted by sarcasm by the host, who asked “Who is this woman?” after her heartfelt rendition of one of her earliest hits, “Ataypura.”

Periodic concerts and the 2005 release “Queen of Exotica,” a massive anthology of her work, kept her most-fervent fans happy and renewed her cult appeal. The magic-comedy team Penn & Teller used her music to score their stage routines.

To some music writers, she was an inspiration to punk and rock performers. “All the big stars came to see Yma Sumac,” Ms. Sumac told Newsday in 1989. “What is the name of that one, I think Madonna?”

Ms. Sumac’s personal life was troubled at times. Her marriage to Vivanco ended in divorce in 1957 after it was revealed that he had fathered twins with his wife’s former secretary. She later told a reporter that Vivanco was “cuckoo,” adding, “All men is cuckoo.”

Survivors include a son from her marriage, Charlie, and three sisters.

Reprinted from the Washington Post

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Here is a scanned image of the original black and white (color to be added at my next sitting)  artwork created by Chris Higgins for my tattoo. We discussed it for over a year. I came to him with a concept about three months ago. One that Chris magically turned into a piece of art that represents the solid foundations that certain people in my life have contributed to in the most powerful of ways.  The most influential people in my life.  Each symbol represents one or more of my relatives.

Heather is represented by the Celtic star (circle knot-work) and a shamrock (not shown).  The antlers above it represent my dad, Frank.  There are Celtic dogs under the Celtic star (not shown) that are placed like a crest and represent my mother, Jo.  The pistol represents my Great Uncle Fred who was a cowboy and sharp shooter, with all the fancy moves.  A real life quick draw McGraw.  The fish represents most all of my most influential people as they all loved to fish and lived a sustainable lifestyle, maybe barring my Grandma Bance who is represented by the violin.  She and my grandfather (adopted grandfather Ivan), use to play fiddle and hoedown music. It was some of the happiest years of her life.  The peacock feather represents my Great Aunt Pinkie who never had a house for a home, but rather lived her life in a streamline trailer.  The peacock feather bouquet in her bedroom was her only real sense of having a home decorated.

The picture shown is only one half as it repeats  in a chevron pattern on both sides of the Celtic star.  It is placed across my low back. I plan to have something of my brother Timber (who died at age 10) and some more flowers added later this winter.  I may have my stallion Asad added too.  With the artistic talent that Chris has I have no doubt he will come up with something awesome.  What is so amazing to me is that Chris instinctively placed my dad above Heather and my mom (dogs not shown) below Heather which is where they were in her real life protecting her helping to create a stable foundation for her and always being there for her.  Also the dogs being placed like a crest below Heather also brings my dad’s family crest (Catalano), to bear, as it has two greyhounds facing one another.  How Chris could unknowingly and purely instinctively tap into that part of my history I have no idea.  He is a very gifted man.

Chris is open to talking to anyone who would like to explore having a tattoo.  If you have never had one before I highly recommend talking to Chris he will not lead you astray and will help you make quality decisions about the art that you permanently place upon your body.   If you want to contact him please let me know and I will share his email via his permission.

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October 7, 2010

For those who are struggling…  (no need to define what kind of struggle, it’s different for all of us), I would like to offer a suggestion for self help…  Simplify.

Simply remove small tripping stones from your daily life. One here or there has potential to bring a sense of safety and relief from pressure.  Also brings to your struggle a sense of you being in charge having some small bit of control over what is seemingly being pressed upon you.

It appears that a lot of folks are going through some tough times this past couple of months. October being the  meanest of months for some.  Having had my turn at painful changes that seem to fall like boulders from somewhere unknown in the sky, I  would like to share that it comes to an end, and there is sunshine, refreshing water, and breathable air once you traverse to the other side.

How you get through your swamps of struggle will dramatically effect the quality of your life when you do finally emerge on the other side.  I encourage you to grasp onto something you can control something that is medicinal for you, therapeutic for you, and growth or forward moving. Something that makes you feel like you have a future before you.  Maybe that something is making time for regular massage or physical development, or cooking comfort food, or purging unnecessary objects from your home and your life.  Keep only those things essential to your well being or happiness.  Don’t be afraid to purge them as well. You may be surprised at how little you really need to be fabulously happy.

Core happiness comes from within… not from without.

For me it was gratitude.  Finding something to be grateful for, beginning with the most innate of things the most ethereal of things, the most simple of things.  Eventually I opened up to a broader scope of things to be thankful for.  Now I stand on a vast plain where every possible thing to be grateful for stands before me in plain sight to be reveled over,  right down to being available for those of you who are walking your path of struggles.

I highly encourage finding things to be grateful for.  Then start small. pebbles are much easier to maneuver than boulders.  Hug yourself and believe in yourself.

I BELIEVE IN YOU!

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