Saturday, 27. November 2010 14:03
It’s time for some introspection. First of all I had a wonderful time in Arizona with my friends. Each with their own unique beauty and experience to share with me. The trip to AZ caused some confusion for me though. First off I miss Arizona, the desert and of course my friends there. I was however reminded that I am ill affected by the number of people, housing, cars etc that have encroached upon the desert.
The 10 hour trip home was a very difficult experience and threw me into a space of self protection. First off what use to take 20 minutes to get onto the Beeline (hwy 87), heading North to Payson took one and half hours because of the clusterfuck (excuse my language) of new freeways and housing developments that have arisen over the past couple years. I felt like I was being thwarted at every turn to just get onto the Beeline. Once on it, there was more road construction, then people setting up road side bargain shopping or something, then snow in Heber. Finally everything settles down and I feel a little like I can cruise along and I’m hit with rain and fog.
( Photo from “The WIT Continuum” post titled “The All Knowing Fog”)
It felt like Arizona had its massive fingers tightly wrapped around me with their iron grip and that I was battling every step of the way to cut myself loose. So when I finally hit Hwy 40, I booked it. Yep I booked it so well I ended up with a speeding ticket. Driving through the Navajo Reservation was simple as always – I always feel so good driving through there, but by now I am frazzled. This is when Heather calls me and wants to know how far out I am because they are having a blizzard in the San Juan Mountains. I’m thinking someone or something really does not want me to return to Silverton, or leave Arizona. I was in tears for most of the trip over the mountain passes pushing snow ahead of me on Coal Bank Pass. Thankfully to our CDOT road crew stationed in Silverton, Molas Pass and Silverton were plowed and the last 3 miles was uneventful down the worst section of narrow cliff-side road and into town. I arrived at 4pm went straight to Heather’s and dipped into her rum. Emotionally torn up and just plain beat, it’s taken several days to gather my thoughts and get settled in again.
The feel of being squeezed in by Arizona reminded me of the Apache Spirits that some believe live in the Superstition Mountains. I spent approximately 52 hours under the Sups and thought of those Spirits more than once. While driving home I remembered my connection to those people and to the Thunder and Rock Beings whom I miss so much. I remembered a trip my parents and I took some 20 years ago from Canyon Lake to Apache Lake on hwy 88. You end up going along a sheer wall of the Sups as you make the hairpin curve of Hells Canyon. It’s for the most part a single lane with two way traffic along the cliffside. My mother was an athiest, she loathed any kind of spirituality and regarded any discussion of any such spiritual or religious topic grounds for a debate. All of a sudden she calls out as we’re driving along the sheer cliff wall, “This is where they all are!”. My dad looks at me kinda a funny while I ask her what she meant. She said this is where the Apache jumped to their deaths and their spirits are here with us. Well there is a story whether true or not about Apache’s falling to their deaths but which mountains that happened in is debatable. I think there is a story that refers to the Chiricahua Mountains, but I believe that there may have been more than one incident. I have no proof, just something I have gathered having spoken with different local Apache. It may all be in a my head, but I too believe that the Spirits exist there. My trip home made me think of them and wonder if they wanted me to stay. I know a wee bit voodoo-ish for some to grasp, but my Native American Path grasps it just fine.
So on to other introspection’s. I also realized or rather acknowledged, that I am still not home. Home is in the heart, and in that sense I’m very well adjusted to my home. But as for location… I’m still in limbo. When Pro comes home I’ll be looking at moving again Will it be this coming summer or the next I have no idea. I was telling a friend that I have been considering Bayfield, CO. It is close to Heather (2 hours away), less snow, possible work, place for horses and reasonable cost of living. She suggested that I consider living in 2 places like so many people in Silverton do. She suggested that I move back to Arizona for 4 or 5 months out of the year. It would mean Id have to keep two places, both cheap, and haul my horse back and forth or just see him at certain times of the year. ACK!!!! CONFUSION! I’m thinking I’m going to let go and let whatever comes in the future, come in the future. I can’t seem to plan for anything, and that frustrates me. I really dislike the feeling of frustration or anxiety or any other negative feeling, so cast them away as soon as I realize they are haunting me. I know this, I want to be close to the Spirits again! I also understand that you cant call out Spirits Guides to stand with you or give you hints about life.
But I miss Pasquehela a Native Spirit who use to sit at my side when I needed strength in making decisions. Where oh where have you gone? Who or what is out there that I am missing?
My friend in Apache Junction lives his life much by the teachings of Buddha and I have been kinda reading up a bit on the “religion” ummm… “way of life” in order to understand him more deeply.
What I found was a similarity to Quantum Theory. Now that is something that I can grasp onto and run with. Here is an article that simplifies Quantum Buddhism and makes much sense to me. Since coming home I have been struggling with some things and feel like one giant contradiction. Then reading this article I realize that I am not contradicting myself at all, but am experiencing varied self awareness’s. Read the article to understand what I mean. But here is an excerpt to spark your curiosity.
This cycle of events can be called a unit of eye consciousness or a QUANTUM of eye consciousness. (QUANTUM = a packet). The cycle of events is the same with all six types of sensory modalities. This is the fundamental unit of LIFE. After one sensory quantum wanes, another sensory quantum comes up like the waves in the seashore. Life is a pulsatile interrupted flow of these cycles (sensory quantums). The time duration of one quantum may be about 1/20th of a second (=50 milliseconds). Then per every one second there is an interrupted flow of about 20 quantums of life, with each and every quantum there arises a NEW SELF, with new perception, new volition and a new body lasting only for about 1/20th of a second and dies off.
In the analysis of a quantum of life, it is very clear that there is no permanent, unchangeable self inside the body who can perceive, think and act. Instead there are different SELVES coming up with each consciousness and passes away with the same consciousness which lives only for about 1/20th of a second (=50 milliseconds).
My point being is that I don’t always agree with myself and I find myself debating within on various thoughts and how I handle myself during times of confusion. Usually like today I handle myself by writing them down – voicing them. I’m really looking for a discussion on the matters with those who may have sparked the flood of thoughts to help me clean them up. As usual though like all of us I have to wade through them alone and look for ways to see through the mess to find the self I prefer to be. What I love about the Quantum Buddhist theory and some of the teachings from “The Secret” is that I am in control and can choose which self I want to be. Meditation is one way of getting there, yet I spend so much time alone I am almost always in a state of meditation so again its how to gain control of those varying SELF’s culling them toward who and what I want to be… simplify my self. There it is again… simplicity – my best friend.
Where peace, growth and ultimate joy flourish.
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