Wednesday, 13. May 2009 11:18
Today comes an announcement.
Paisano goes home to Simrat. We are currently looking for someone traveling through Arizona on their way to the Pacific Northwest (through Oregon) who may have an open spot in their horse trailer. We would like Paisano to travel around the middle of June.
Why do you ask, especially those of you who frequent here solely to see whats up with Paisano? Because we are not a match. One of us or both of us would have to change innate parts of ourselves in order to build a true partnership. Paisano put his best foot forward, gave it his all and tried to become my horse. Alas, I am broken where it comes to horses so it’s no fault of his. I recognize that just a pretty face or a sweet spirit is not enough for me any more. Some of it comes down to economics, I need a horse for a specific function in my life, and I can’t afford to feed one who misses that mark. That does not mean that Paisano is less horse than any other horse. In truth he is more horse than most horses you ‘d meet. He just is different from my expectations. I tried to change me and my goals for him because a horse of his calibre deserves every possible effort on my part. Every horse does actually. This only made me step away from him, because I could not be who I really am and be his person.
Of course I didn’t say anything publicly, but if you really read my blog posts you would have spied a few disappointments here and there, with more adding up as time went on, with phrases like, “working my ass off”, “Pai getting angry with me”, etc. These are not phrases depicting harmony. I won’t do this to Paisano and I wont do it to myself. I hit my wall the other day when the tree obviously did not fit. I just am not willing to spend my money on almosts anymore. I’m financially a poor girl, Spiritually I am richer than most. Emotionally I am resilient and have had to be due to all the losses in my life over the past 5 years. I’m afraid though that Kindlewood took my last breath away.
Not sure any other horse than Pro can fill any spot in my heart for awhile.
I had hoped that Paisano’s sweet and gentle spirit would have broken through and that new things to explore with him would bring fresh and welcomed change to my life … but it didn’t. Lesson learned. Do not enter into relationships until you have mended from past ones. Where it comes to men I have mended and am open for someone special to come into my life again, yet those same rules apply, we must be a fit without changing who we are innately. As for horses, I’m still broken.
You may have noticed a different horse in my blog banner above. The end photos are of Pro, but the inner three are of a filly that has been offered to me. I have wanted this filly for a very long time…
…here comes the rest of the story…
…yesterday I went to a friend for a third guided imagery session. This was another one of those blown away moments. What I wanted to work on was my willingness to be open minded and ready for change, and to flow with what Colorado offers me. Leaving my preconceived notions, and control freak attitude behind. What I discovered was that I am a free spirit, and am of the earth, that water is very important to my spiritual well-being. That’s why in Arizona I hung around swimming pools, before that sailboats, before that fishing boats, and swimming spots at favorite creeks. I love long baths, long showers, spa’s… water. Incredible discovery for someone who had loved this desert beyond anything imaginable. I rediscovered my need for water. I also remembered that once upon a time 30 some years ago I was living on a sail boat in the Sea of Cortez, saying to myself if I didn’t want HORSES so badly I would live here on the ocean forever. When I get my finances back in order and am settled down in Colorado, I’m buying a canoe or a kayak, or both. I’m going to spend my money on water for awhile and not horse feed, well other than what Pro eats. Heather has shown some interest in Pro, so maybe we’ll will geld him after all and grow him up to be a family shared horse we can all afford and enjoy. Maybe I’ll go seek out mountain meadows, deer, rock canyons, rivers, and eagles. Pro could come along as a hiking buddy from time to time while he grows up. I still have the dream of doing the 800 mile ride in Arizona and to build my Hope Santa Fe 1800′s saddle but maybe this time it will be Pro who wears it. He is gaited bold and ambitious with the fire I like in horse so maybe down the road I can still show my home bred SMR horse in FOSH gaited shows. One horse who maybe can do it all if he stays sound. If he doesn’t he has family until that day.
What of the filly you ask? I’m turning her down.
For all of you who have supported me on my saddle endeavor hold onto your chairs, I’m not done with the research and posting on saddles and saddle making. I’m thinking now of buying an older saddle and tearing it apart to build a saddle on the tree as a learning curve experience. I’m not done. I still want to build saddles.
If you are traveling through Arizona on your way up through Oregon in June, remember Paisano needs a ride home.
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