December 9, 2010

Well its final Pro stays with  Kathy of Kickapoo Farm in Wisconsin.  I am horseless.  Kathy has plans to put Pro under saddle in the spring and possibly take him to the Midwest Fair in 2011.  I’m moving on… but will enjoy watching him grow and flourish in Kathy’s capable hands over the coming years.  I am so grateful for Kathy!  Kathy you are the most wonderful human being!

Much is on the wind these days.

(Painting by Josephine Wall titled “Wind of Change”)

My C/Store job may be at risk as we have very little business right now. I may be forced to look at unemployment which I have never used before, and since I am also self employed it may be out of my reach.  So if that happens folks I may be forced to move back to AZ for work. If this comes around I will look for something similar to what I have here in living situation and pick back up many of my clients.  This could mean doubling or tripling my income, and it would not be a permanent move, as I would keep my place here too. It could turn into a 6 months here 6 months there sorta deal. Goal?  To pay off my debts.  I have no real desire to move back to Arizona, you all read the negative impact it had on me during this past trip back to visit friends.  But I can handle AZ… AZ you  just bring it on!  Don’t get me wrong I love her still. I just get messed up when I’m there..  I can handle it though and maybe it would be good for me to go back and become master of her rather than influenced by her.

I was thinking I could take up a couple classes while there in the winter months (OH GOD NO!  Not a SnowBird!!)… I’d actually miss the snow… sheesh!  But I also build websites and I’m kinda behind the ball an could use some updating in php etc. Then there is continuing education for my massage business and I could finish up my studies for my Nationals accreditation.  So it may be a good move if it comes to be. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to move if I choose to.  How freeing!  I am grateful that I have many friends and clients in AZ who would like to see me return even if only for a few months.

It’s a big  IF!

So now here I am  excited about the possibilities.  What comes next…  how life winds around in its own unconcerned journey to find us ever moving and always evolving.  Gotta love this life!

Things to be thankful for:

1) my quality of life is fabulous

2) my family and friends are everything to me

3) Dragon woke up from his 2 month sleep!! Did I tell all of you that!?  YAY Dragon Companionship – he is the best!

4) my health is excellent

5) It’s a wonderful holiday season

6) I so enjoy my little abode, its safe,warm and comfy.  My plants and paintings, and rug all make it so enjoyable and relaxing to be in.

Have a great week all!  Be thankful – life has so much to offer!

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December 2, 2010

Being filled with gratitude sometimes takes a conscious effort to open up or take the time to absorb or be filled with thoughts, feelings, memories or stimuli that solicit a thankful spirit.  That is where I am today. Making a purposeful effort.

I came to my blog really wanting to discuss lost memories – something that troubles me.  My friend Ron and I were discussing times past when we rode our horses together.  I cant for the life of me remember any of those rides. I remember him riding past my house or me past his, but I cannot remember ever riding with him.  That saddens me because that past buddy thing we had going on really meant something to me.  Also I have folks come to me all the time who I’ve known in the past and I cant remember how we knew each other.  I know that we did things together or shared something with one another… but what?  I don’t know when this happened. Was it a closing off of something inside of me back when I had to let Asad and Madrid go?  Was it my mother’s death or the loss of my house?  Are those excuses?  All I know is the events of around that time in my life have faded in my memory.  I apologize to all for anything that I may have forgotten.

(Photo found at iblard.com)

Well I’m not going to sit here and worry about it.  Today is sunny and warm, I just received an incredible massage from my guru and friend Maryanne, have a beer in hand and some chips – yep I’m eating chips.  Usually I’m eating nuts or fruit, however today is indulgence day and I’m jumping in the deep water.

I received some very good advice today that if I were to follow it would free my life up for anything I might want to pursue.  Basically pass on the animals for now.  If I go ahead with plans for horses and dogs I will trap myself on a piece of land where I wont be able to explore new places and things that interest me. Something that feels very important.   This is the battle I wage everyday… do I or do I not bring Pro home and get a dog?   A friend told me recently that they felt they may not be able to ride a horse in ten years.  This has been a fear of mine, that if I don’t stay aboard a horse that I wont be able to ride later if I choose horses again. So my goal has been to bring a horse home.   Yet what I really want to do is go dip in that ocean you see in the photo above, to swim with wild dolphins.  To work with raptors, to…

Having a horse or dog or whatever that needs a permanent home could wait a few more years when I’m tired of moving around and want to nest with my companions.   Also I can still go take riding lessons at some discipline I have always wanted to try. Did you know Parelli is based in Pagosa Springs?  Hell, I could drive over there and volunteer. With that said I need to consider Pro and Kathy.  I am so stressed out over what to do with him once he is here and how much it’s going to cost to get him here.  My mind is consumed with it – it’s apparent in my blog posts.  I get brave sometimes and spout off about all that I will do and that I can make it happen – which I can, but is my heart in it? I still feel pressured by my horse friends by being witness to their horses and their dreams goals that are not so unlike my own aspirations of the past.  I am in a phase of letting go of the past  and maybe I need to make this a complete severing of my comfort strings.  I know if someone were to walk into my life and bring horses with them that I would indulge myself once more in that lifestyle. But right now it’s about me and exploration of new adventures.  The last thing I want to do is trap myself in a town away from my comforts and friends and family just to have a couple pets.  I need to invest into me and new adventures and experiences.

For this insight I am grateful. For the process it has taken to get here, I’m grateful. For my friends who stand beside me and say it like it is, I am grateful!!  It is hard to let go, its hard to move on,  but I am a pioneer spirit and I see a horizon just over there…

I want to see what is over there on that horizon. I could ride my horse across that meadow, but what do I do with him once there? How do I house him, feed him, and have enough left over to prepare for the next journey?   This may disappoint some of my horse friends who were so anxious to see me BACK.  Well I’m not sure I will ever be back… as in back as I was before.  Who I was and what I aspired to then are no longer the same, I’m a very different person these days and I love who I am.
For who I have become, I am grateful. For who I will become, I am grateful.  For all of you…  I am grateful.

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RE-FINDING DIRECTION

(“Direction” – from John Curtin Gallery – by Nicole Slatter – 2008 oil on linen)

Well we are definitely  well into winter around here.  I have to say the snow is still  a powerful healing presence in  my life. I battle with it to get places or to stay dry or warm. But visually  and in some ways sensually it is very opening for that part of me that resides within myself.  I am still grappling with my idea of snow and what it conjures up in my mind.  I still find myself  saying that I don’t like snow, and I really do not like driving on mountain passes in blizzards.  But part of me really does like it – its healing and mystical presence in my life makes me feel cozy and complete inside.  Kinda how you feel when sitting on a river bank, or a mountain top, in a meadow or some other peaceful place of beauty.  Serene…

I feel serene here in Silverton in our wintry wonderland.  I just  have a difficult time seeing this as home. One of  this blogs readers commented on the last post Introspection – Walking The Red Road and brought me back to myself with her insight. See why I write my thoughts down here for all to read? You never know when some sweet spirit will come along to present a new world to journey through and investigate. Thank you My Shiloh Ranch for being that beautiful being in my life.  Your comment made me think past my emotions and desires to re-relate to my true self, I then set out to find other insights that would boost the power within me to be my true self in the face of my recent experiences. Another healing process I guess.

I came along this blog -  Allow Happiness and was pleased at how much beauty there is out there.  Allow Happiness shared a post listing their favorite blogs on happiness and I found them to be fabulous. So wanted to share them here with all of you.  The one in the the list that really spoke to my current situation is the Happiness Blog. Great stuff to think about.  So I am off of my recent introspection of how I got here and am back on what I am finding to be wonderful about being here.  I am also looking at the possibility that my ultimate happiness resides in a very different place  than what I have perceived or desired in the past.  When we think of what makes us happy, we have so many things to weigh that happiness against and those things come from our past as ideals or memories or experiences you want or do not want in your life at present.  Longings that you have nurtured, whether they are truly correct for your ultimate happiness or not. I’m going to do a little experiment on myself this winter. I am going to look to things that are new to me and unfamiliar and seek what within these odd to me things solicits joy from within me.  The first thing that comes to mind is bringing another greyhound in to my life.

(My Greyhound, Future  – 2004-2008 – in her favorite spot – How I miss her!)

Another is bringing Pro back home and getting back into the saddle making project.

(The Hope 1840′s saddle that I plan to build for Pro someday)

For just those two things to happen I am looking at another move and where is that to be?  I’m being pulled South. Toward Bayfield or Pagosa Springs or even Taos, New Mexico.  Taos would put me closer to the Spirits I crave to be close to.  It’s also a long way away from Heather, like 7 hours hours away from her.  There is a town an hour and fifteen minutes North of here called Ridgeway that might just be the ticket also.   The oddity to me here is that I have never considered Colorado a place I would permanently call home. It feels foreign to me to do so and I find myself searching elsewhere for that familiar homey feel.  But maybe I am home.  Maybe having horses in snow is a mystical magical beauty that my inner joy will abound with.  Maybe going camping near the Spirits will be my Church.  I don’t know yet. But I’m going to recreate my optimism for the adventure and see where I end up.

These are some of the things that bring instant sense of joy to me.

1) my horses on pastures

(found at: Western Open Edition Art Prints by Marye Roeser)

2) being near the Spirits

3) being near my daughter

4) my friends

5) being a free agent

6) being intimate with a/my lover

7) caring for and communing with my animal and plant friends

8 ) wearing pretty skirts

9) reading Terry Brooks Shannara books

10) eating breakfast outside

( I think I am going to go get me a breakfast and eat it outside to enjoy our beautiful white magical town)

11) being in control of my happiness

12) experiencing the most subtle beauties in any one moment.

13) creating (anything)

A lot of White Medicine I see here…

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Something amazing has happened this past week.  I am so excited about it I can hardly contain myself.  Sometimes we step back and take a good look around, just to reset our bearings.  I’ve been in this process for sometime now  simplifying my life, healing old wounds, and immersed in new and exciting adventures.  I love stepping back and gazing upon all there is – taking in the awe of it. Feeling the awesomeness of it all.

It? What is that?

Whatever lays before you, could be physically – the landscape – the home – the family or a friend – whatever. It could be something you feel and has no words for its description.  I have that going on right now with Ron my friend in Arizona.  The feel of having him back as my friend is wonderful.  While the lay of land before me causes me to gasp at its primal beauty, well just read a few posts back and you’ll know what I mean.  Whether in the desert or the alpine mountains or near shoreline, Earth speaks to me in so many beautiful ways.  My family and friends, new and old?  Oh My God!  Am I ever the most lucky person in the world to have such wonderful people surrounding me. Observing these things brings new stimulus for me to ponder and absorb.

You know what? I’m in love…

In love with my mother the Earth, my friends and family, the feelings that serge through me.  Spirit!

…back to my exciting realization…

I want to go riding!  I WANT TO GO RIDING!!  I want my horse back home and I want to go spend my time with him!  It’s genuine, brings tears to my eyes!

(Pro in 2009 – otherwise known as Celt’s Prophecy, as a yearling trying on a saddle for fun. Don’t worry the saddle had no cinch and only weighs 30 lbs.)

Ron, I want you to know something.  The day we reconnected I made a decision to bring my colt back home next summer.  I committed to him. Something in reconnecting with you reconnected me with my passion and with Pro.  All of a sudden yesterday comes along and I’m yearning to feel the weight of my saddle in my arms, smell the leather, and Pro’s flesh…    now I’m biting at the bit to get to him and sit WITH him…   bond.  I would love it if someday you and I could take our horses for a week long or more trip into the wilderness and bond with our Mother and our companions and one another.

I’m back!  I want to go riding!

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July 8th, 2010

Its been a few months now since my last post. Snow has melted,  rivers have over flowed with raging waters to settle down to good fishing. Wild Flowers are blooming and wildlife is on the move. People have steadily converged upon our little town to explode during the 4th of July festivities.  Now we are on the down side again, people slowly drifting away.  Mountains are green. We had some warm summer days  that have given way to cooler temps and thunder rains.

I’ve made new friends, am working on cultivating more friends and made a  mistake that caused some discomfort with someone I care about. But hey we are all human right. We get past the crap and move on.

All in all I am so very happy and content in my little town.  I have spent three to four days a week jogging back trails or hiking steep mountain sides to sit under the sky and soak up the sounds and smells of the wilderness.  The soft touch of the wind on my skin always puts a gigantic smile on my face.  If I can find someone to casually share these things with my life would be at its most perfect space in time.

I haven’t taken any pics this spring or summer to share.  Some things you just have to experience in person to understand the impact they have.  To represent how I feel though and how free I am and the joy in life I am experiencing…

I give you Celt’s Prophecy…

(Photo Courtesy: Kathy of Kickapoo Center Spanish Mustangs – Wisconsin – Pro is my 2 year old colt from the last of my breeding program who is staying with Kathy for the next year before I bring him home to Silverton, Colorado.)

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Apr 7, 2010

The windows wide open, fresh air filling the room, Bright sunshine filtering in, this was a glorious day!  Started with breakfast with my friend Pam, then home to organize stuff for a bit. Later comes a visit from Mark Garvin one of the resident carpenters in town.  Mark is a master worker!  He transformed my so so bathroom into a spa retreat in no time at all and with little expense to me and great suggestions.  Only a couple more things need to be done to finish my vision and make the space a wee bit more user friendly and wallah(!) a gorgeous inviting place that’s functional and friendly.   Maryanne, Marks wife is the owner and fitness guru of Silverton Movement Center and has become a great friend.  She sent home with me something really cool today to go with my retreat.  It’s called “CALDREA” (countertop cleaner and liquid dish soap), and it smells heavenly and its a safe product.  Okay I have a new product line that I’m buying my household cleansers from!! I came right home and started wiping down the bathroom surfaces with it, relishing in how wonderful it cleans leaving the bathroom smelling wonderful.  I’m getting some of this stuff for Heather to try!!!  Maryanne also set me up with a couple and possibly more massages this weekend at her massage site. Bring ‘em on!  Mark and Maryanne are just really good people and I am very thankful that I have met them both and that they have been so welcoming to me since moving to Silverton.  Truly, I may not have done as well as I have if not for Maryanne’s referrals and support, and I would not be as happy in my abode if not for Marks creation.  Thank you guys!

Pro is not coming home this summer.  It was really causing me hardship to pull it off this soon. Kathy of Kickapoo Center Farm, who is such a sweetheart, is letting him stay at her place, in Wisconsin, until I can move him comfortably.  It takes a huge burden off of me since June is coming right around the corner and I haven’t had the opportunity to locate an affordable boarding situation. Kathy has been a Savior, a Saint, and a good friend!  Thanks Kathy.

Okay that’s it for today’s Thankful Thursday folks. I’m off to spend the evening with Dragon (the bearded dragon), and Cookie (the guinea pig). Great companionship!

Happy Thankful Thursday, All!

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Mar 5, 2010

Well I skipped last Thursday’s Thankful Thursday.  The day just got away from me.  By the time I got around to thinking on gratitude I was drained and brain dead.  I just  thought for a few moments on all the things I had to be grateful for and hit the sack feeling bountiful.

Today, I’m feeling pretty drained again but do not have any jobs to do. A day off!  Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!!  Ha!  Like I don’t get enough days off…   I just seem to need this day to recoup. Thursday has become my Sunday. The day I reflect, and express, and rest, and heal.

Those of you who follow me on twitter and facebook already know that Celt’s Prophecy will be coming home.

Celt’s Prohecy (Pro) at 1 year in Arizona

Not sure when this will take place, but its definite.   Lots of details to work out but I am anxious. I must say after having to leave him behind and struggling through his mothers disease and death, after trying to leave it all behind, I am so thankful that Pro is coming home. I guess I made my own destiny when I started some 11 years ago to produce this colt. I thought I was working on the future of the Spanish Mustang breed. Seems though I was working on my future with one special horse. Instead of improving the breed, Pro has served to improve who I am and who I will become.

Short synopsis:

I bred quality Spanish Mustangs, individuals that many people admired. I saw a decline in a certain type and quality with in the breed and set out to do something about it. In the process and due to decisions I lost all but one of  my founding stock. A mare named Celt’s Kindlewood.

(Celt’s Kindlewood 3 months before being put down due to DSLD/ESPA complications)

She actually belonged to my daughter Heather and I  watch sentinel over the mare. Having done all the right things, allowing her to mature to 5 years before riding her, training her slowly over her entire lifetime, became one with her, giving her the best care. finding the right stallion to breed her to and acquiring him having negotiated for two years on related stock and waiting for his arrival for an additional year.  All very carefully executed. Having done all the right things its comes down to a colt who was to carry the torch.  Celt’s Prophecy – not the end result but the beginning of the future. A colt who will be gelded and become a backyard buddy. Why you ask?  Because after all that, Kindlewood came down with DSLD/ESPA, a degenerative systemic disease believed to be inherited.   DSLD/ESPA (video of the diesese) sometimes never raises its ugly head, or not until a horse is aged. However, sometimes it takes young horses by surprise. It took Kindlewood at age eight.  All my plans went out the window because I cannot allow my horses to pass this horrible painful disease into the breed.  I’m convinced that the breed already has its share of the disease floating through its DNA as does most all modern breeds and there is no way to test for it at this time to be sure.  It’s just safer to geld Pro, hope that he stays sound, and hope that others who discover the disease in their bloodlines will do the same with their breeding stock.

Kindlewood died Halloween of 2008 as an eight your old  mother of  the future.  Irony,  “Future”,  my greyhound died two weeks later.

Kathy Freymiller of Kickapoo Center Farm graciously took Pro from me to help me out.  I just was not able to bring him to Colorado with me. I had exhausted my resources trying to save his mother and was now in debt over my head. I thought Pro was gone for certain and my horse days were gone with him.  Then…

I get an email from Kathy, and my life has taken another turn. Just like that! Snap your fingers Pro comes home and things are different than they ever would have been.

Reborn…I seem to be reborn every few months lately.  Horses are back… but this time in a very different way. More like it was when I was a child with Chiefy, my gelding companion while I was growing up.  Pro and I will explore life’s gifts together. I get a second chance to  grow up. Only this time I have the wisdom to not “quite” grow up…

My old best friend Asad, during my grown up days, and his grandson Prophecy my new childhood cohort.  I promise we will be into all kinds of mischief. I promise not to grow up.

My senses are completely overwhelmed with gratitude.  I have been so humbled, I am so humble. Thank you from the very depths of my soul!

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Short but not forgotten.

Check it here.  Then visit Akal Ranch, Tired Dog Ranch and Enlightened Horsemanship Through Touch blogs for more Gratitude.

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CELT’S PROPHECY

Sire: The Spirit of Bear Paw ( Sangrea Real x Twitckwa)

Dam: Celt’s Kindlewood (Azul’s el Milagro al Asad x La Senorita de Madrid)

30 months old

Loaded up onto a six horse trailer at 5:30 pm June 20, 2009. What in April of 1996 came to be…  has now drifted on in the veins of the black young stallion.

It’s a tough day.

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Well its final Kathy Freymiller of Kickapoo Center Farm a Spanish Mustang breeder, SMR newsletter editor, and SM enthusiast will be taking Pro to her farm to be raised up among her herd. I am very excited as I feel she will do every thing in her power to assure that Pro is safe and remains within the SMR family.

Pro is a very tough character, remember how he attacked my truck at 4 months of age (?), well let’s just say he is a tough character and let it go at that. The plan is for him to go to the Cayuse in Oshoto Wyoming to spend some time in a bachelor band while getting some knocks in life and hopefully gain some respect. If I were to keep him I’d just deal with it until he grew up some. His grandpa was similar and turned out to be a sweetheart in the end. But since Pro is leaving my control I do worry some. However it is likely that he will be gelded so I’m feeling a little better about things. It still will all up to Kathy, he will be her horse to do with as she pleases. What I am excited about is that I will be able to follow his development and maybe see my boy grown up after all.

Thank you Kathy for stepping forward and doing what it takes to make Pro’s future bright. HUGS girl! You are the BEST!

I want to thank Chris Thompson in the UK for offering to help out with Pro if nothing else gelled. Chris you too are another dear friend and I appreciate you immensely.

I want to thank Terry Barrall, for always stepping up to be a friend when I come crashing down with Pro. She knows from personal experience what I have been going through and has tried to be supportive wherever she can. Someone to talk to. Thank you Terry. You held me together many times.

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