Sunday, 20. March 2011 11:39
Excerpt… Husband by Arrangement
“My mother always said that getting into a relationship is like heating water: first simmer, then boil. The only way to be sure is to marry first and wait for love to come later. Westerners have it backwards – you expect the water to come to a boil first. When the relationship cools down, you’re disappointed and you break i…t off.”
Ive been married three times: 1st one was a 9 month annulment, 2nd lasted 5 years, the 3rd was abusive and I had to escape after 3 years. All of that happened before I was 37. Since then I’ve been single, dating occasionally here or there. With that life experience I have to say that I totally agree with the statement above.
When dating I find that everyone is looking for the boil first and wont take the time to really get to know another person and allow natural attractions to develop. It’s very disheartening. It is also the reason I am still single. As I always look for real quality and friendship and similar passions in a person who gets it. That the water boils only after you get the pan out, fill it with water, then set onto heat that gradually builds until the water is at optimum temp. All of that prep time is a bit boring and time consuming. Yet the desired affect comes about naturally and transforms without a lot of sparks and glitter. It is real though and has more depth.
So I’ve been single for 20 years… I’ve kept up the ideal that someone with the criteria I look for… “real quality and friendship and similar passions in a person who gets it” will magically come along if I keep the doors and windows open, let go of old and allow new to reveal itself. In the mean time I date younger men. Yes that’s right they are usually 10 to 15 years younger than me. Why, because I figure it this way, they are not men I’d develop a long term relationship with. They are after the boil first relationship full of sparks and glitter that so often goes nowhere.
So why not enjoy what they have to offer and move on. Is that a good approach, mmmm… no not really, I realize it, but its better than being alone my whole life while waiting for a fairy tale to come along. A dude who sees the bigger picture.
The goal in my relationship life now is to find a good friend to grow old with as friends flourishing in our mutual passions. Maybe we become intimate at some time during that relationship and maybe we dont. But we share the passions we both have in life in “real-life”. In the flesh. One thing I have learned in this life’s experience as a single woman, is that I hate cyber relationships. they are safe, empty and go no where.
I re-evaluate my terms of endearment from time to time as I don’t want to be closed minded or close the circle of availability smaller and smaller. Yet I find myself unable to waver from my position that friends who love similar things in life in many cases will fall into a deeply rewarding relationship with one another. This will probably keep me single the rest of my life. But I cant seem to shake it. Or trade it in for the a short and fiery bliss to hatred relationship that so many people go through. I’ve been in and out of more relationships/dating scenarios that I want to truthfully admit to… thus this is where I have landed with those experiences.
All or nothing!
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